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Do Hair Creatures Exist!
Understanding the latest threat!
- An Introduction to HAIR CREATURES -

YES THEY DO!
Here at DMG Ice, we are dedicated to bringing you the latest and greatest news in as comprehensive a way as our laziness will allow. It has come to our attention that there are times when we must break rank from covering Nintendo's lush handhelds to cover the important things that affect you. We are talking about Hair Creatures. Hair Creatures were responsible for all that is wrong in the world and we have finally captured a photo or few of these illusive creatures. How you may ask? We watched the debate with Dick Cheney and Johnathon Edwards on TV and then watched it CLOSER.

By going frame by frame on the Vice Presidential debates last night, we discovered that HORRIBLE HAIR CREATURES may in fact really exist. We went through older footage of John Edwards and have concluded that they do in fact exist. Please bear witness to the shocking turn of events! Witness the image below this paragraph!
Oh so cute and DEADLY!
Do not laugh, this level of idiocy could happen to you!
As you can clearly see in this photograph, a HAIR CREATURE has attached itsself to John Edwards scalp. We think Edwards will probably develop Hair Creature sickness and die before he is out of potty-training pants. What a terrible fate indeed: to die, go to Hell like all lawyers and be unable to hold back ones bodily emissions! We fear that the devils will laugh at him while he mumbles "90% Halliburton, 15% TEA" to himself, blaming his entire failed career -and soaked Miss Piggy Underoos- on Howard Dean and Dick Cheney... FOREVER. See what those Hair Creatures can do? It would appear that John Kerry has been affected by the Hair Creatures as is evidenced by this picture below.
Or could it be Jane Fonda?
There is no Hair Creatures for Truth. But there should be!

John Kerry must have picked up more than Venereal Diseases in the Viet Cong. It appears that on his visits to great diplomats who just so happen to be evil, he has picked up a particularly old HAIR CREATURE. The Hair Creature may be a bit restless and seems to have scrunched up on John Kerry's skin from time to time. We believe it may be incontinent and thus has expelled orange waste upon its host life form. Sometimes, Hair Creatures have been known to whisper softly into the ears of their hosts. These Hair Creature whisper can decieve the weak minded into believing that they are thinking what is being told to them by the Hair Creature. Did the Hair Creature tell him to vote against the Gulf War? How about for the Patriot Act? Maybe his entire thought process is being controlled by a senile Hair Creature? We have to wonder about him. The threat of Hair Creatures is recognized by our government in secret meetings though. This next image is taken from a secret underground meeting of the Secret Hair Creature Termination And Neutralization Society. (S.H.C.T.A.N.S.)
And I approve this picture.
A man of convictions, few coherent words, an accent, and HAIR CREATURES.

What could this mean to the world? I suppose that Hair Creatures latch on to feed on the brains of their victims, even if it means starving! It means that there has been a secret war against Hair Creatures that has been waged for years under our noses. The truth may be that the government is controlled by Hair Creatures, and that WMDs are secretly Wickedly Massive Dandruff. Why do you suppose they let Saddam keep his beard? It may have been a form of Hair Creature control. We have already lost over 1,000 Americans to the war against the Wickedly Massive Dandruff. Americans who were soldiers, contractors, con artists, publicity hungry rabble rousers, and people who were just "there." We at DMG Ice urge the current administration to RESIST THE HAIR CREATURES! Bill Clinton was obviously a pawn of the Hair Creatures, and Bush's father before him may have also been a victim of the Hair Creatures agendas. Pray that our leaders resist! GOD, SHAVE THE QUEEN! Sorry, I should not have mentioned Tony Blair. I meant: SHAVE THE PRESIDENT! However, many of the Hollywood Elite -when not buying fancy food, fancy cars, and pondering how best to trick the masses- have caught wind of Anti-Hair Creature agendas. They have sent one of their many attack dogs to chide and ridicule the Anti-Hair Creature movement as well as trick people into thinking they know how the world works because they saw a movie and read a web blog by conspiracy-loving pot-heads. Alex Jones is a HAIR CREATURE.
A big fat Hair Creature Sympathizer!
If Moore really cared about his fans, he would give them his
massive wealth like a TRUE Liberal would.

Bowling with Hair Creatures? Hair Creatures & Me? The Big Hair Creature? Well, the Awful Truth is that Mr. Moore was once a happy, skinny, smart, and honest Boy Scout with glasses. Then he went to work in a factory, where he must have met a Hair Creature. After getting his ass fired for being late and slacking off, he made a documentary comparing the factory to Hitler's regime. Since then, he has bounced from being an editor at Mother Jones, to being a fat, unshaven, unemployed, overly defensive, unkempt man with little ambitions, visible saliva caked upon his lips, and a long unspoken history of drunken molestation of his family. His wife is rarely seen, most likely because of the berka. His children were shuffled off to a private school to keep them away from prying reporters, and he has become adored by sycophantic college students who think the world is out to get them or that negativity makes them "thinkers." How did this once intelligent and happy person become a towering Hutt of political venom? Hair Creatures. They have ruined his life. Someone needs to save Mr. Moore. We need him back on the side of all that is good! The whale must be shaved! Then.. and only then.. maybe Morgan Spurlock can pull Moore away from the grip of the Hair Creatures and onto the path of making real documentaries like "Fog of War" and "Spellbound."

In fact, it would appear that many of the people in politics may have become victims to Hair Creatures. We do not know what the Hair Creatures want yet. Some people believe the Hair Creatures are here to protect our scalps from damage. Some people think that Hair Creatures may be planning global domination. While some Hair Creatures have been shown to be malevolent, it must be noted that not all Hair Creatures appear to be evil. Dick Cheney seems to be missing a Hair Creature. Many scientists have concluded that maybe something about his shampoo may make his bald head undesirable to these wavy invaders. We have now revealed the threat to you. Marvel in TERROR at them! -ODD-
The Oddish - Derision 2004
Photos Courtesy of The Asphyxiated Press

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