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A fan-fiction Screenplay by Philip Andrew Wesley
Rated R.
2001 (Started) - 2003 (Finally FINISHED....)
Narrator: "After the last therapy session, Nintendo's higher ups decided that the time had come for them to FORCE the popular characters to regularly attend the therapy sessions. In hopes of repairing any emotional damage left by game delays and to keep everyone 'Right in the head'. A new moderator was hired this time."
Kane: "It's time you saw the future while you still have human eyes!"
Diddy: "But I'm not human."
Goomba: "Neither am I?!"
Bowser: "I'm not human either."
Zubat: "I don't have eyes! For the LOVE OF GOD!!! I HAVE NO EYES!!! The HORROR!"
Kane: "Shut up! I'm the moderator, bear with me."
<Suddenly the earth shakes, the lights flicker, and a huge rumbling noise is heard. A flash of light appears in the center of the room, and out of the light pops a small moogle.)
Moogle: "Kupo!"
Kane: "Another Nintendo character?"
Moogle: "Nope. I'm Mog. I'm a good guy and I've come to moderate after killing you."
Kane: "Such a small creature, what can you do?"
Mog: "Lots! But, I brought Metal Gear Rex with me to do stuff easier."
<Mog jumps onto the air and Metal Gear Rex rises from the ground. Mog lands in the cockpit of the Metal Gear and activates the Gears Rail Gun, violently disposing of Kane.>
Mog: "Well, no more Brotherhood for right now."
Mario: "I-a don't like-a this. The a-last few minutes have-a all been-a non-Nintendo characters!"
Mog: "Got a problem with that, fat boy? Or should I show you this things First Strike abilites?
Mario: "Okay-a, Okay-a.."
Lugia: "I fear people will adore me because of my wingspan, size, power, and grace; but not my personality. I am okay with my own massiveness, but is that all that there is to me? If the only thing that matters is my size, then what about my personality? Does my own personality even matter in life? My skill is incredible and I can truly layeth down the beatings upon the faces of my enemies; but what about my artistic side? Will my creativity be set aside because of my talents?"
Mario: "Shut-a up!"
*Lugia glares at Mario making Mario's defense drop slightly*
Samus Aran: "Does my Game Cube game make me look fat?"
Luigi: "Naw, did you see me! I was amazing! The best dramatic performance since Citizen Kane.. umm.. the other Kane."
Link: "And I looked better than ever! My Cel Shaded glory brought the world to tears! I was soooo bad-ass!"
Mario: "You-a looked GAY."
*Link takes out his Hookshot and aims it at Mario*
Link: "This device pulls things apart, plumber..."
Mario: "That a-would-a explain-a your tights?"
*Link hurls Mario into a wall*
Mario: "OUCH-A!"
Luigi: "I want to talk about my game! Who's idea was it to give me a vacuum cleaner? I look like a maid!"
Mario: *pained* "Miyamoto is just showing the world that you suck!"
Toad: "Really?"
Luigi: "I don't suck!"
Toad: "Damn!"
Kirby: "What about me? I take so much abuse! Why is Nintendo doing that to ME! I mean, not only do they make me suck, spit, and swallow my enemies, they knock me around with bumpers, and make players shake me violently!"
Marina: *grabs Kirby* "SHAKE! SHAKE!"
Kirby: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!"
Narrator: "Didn't you already use that joke?"
Philip: "It's still funny."
*Conker steps up to the center of the room*
Conker: "Uhh.. Hello? I want to talk about losing Berri. I mean, Nintendo... Rare... WHY! I loved her! I really loved her! She was mean, insensitive, and she treated me like shit; but I loved her! I really did."
Private Squirrel: "Umm.. Conker sir.. I'm here for you... I love you."
Conker: *ignoreing Squirrel* "I mean... soo sad.. she was so young and full bodied. I mean.. full of life. So young... so nice.. soo... fluffy..."
Dixie Kong: "You know.. I'm available."
Diddy Kong: "What?! Does this mean it's over?"
Dixie Kong: "Yes! Sorry Diddy; but your banana was never enough for me."
*Diddy Kong faints*
Conker: "Well.. primates.. umm...."
Candy Kong: "You know.. Diddy's banana was always enough for me."
Donkey Kong: "WHAT?! Um.... Candy?"
Conker: "Ohh.... now we're cooking with Candy.. okay! Who wants to be my bitch! Only one at a time, have to practice for two."
Private Squirrel: "Me!"
Conker: "Not you."
*Fox McCloud jumps through the roof and lands on the table sending Conker sailing across the room into the arms of Greg.*
Greg: "Umm.. I always loved you. Even if you are a squirrel.. a little more frisky then cats.. but cats.. oh, I hate cats. Pissy little pussies, they are. Damn cats. With the purring and meowing.. freakish little shits. Freakish."
Conker: "This is what I call a bad fur day. I need a drink."
Fox McCloud: "Why was I assaigned to that Dinosaur Planet thing? I mean. Seriously! It was fine the way it was! Why was I tagged into it! I mean, I hang out with DINOSAURS now! Fricking Princess Denver the Last Fricking Dinosaur!"
Princess Tricky: "I'm your friend and a whole lot more."
Fox: "God, I hope not."
Princess Tricky: "But you make me horny!"
Fox: "You're always horny, you're a fricking dinosaur!"
Princess Tricky: "Oh.. yeah."
Kool-Aid Man: "QUIT RIPPING ME OFF!"
Mog: "Okay.. that was a healthy dose of What the fokk. Anyone have anything to discuss?"
Fox: "Yes, I do! Get off my leg you stupid dino wench!"
Random Rare Employee: "Dude.. Tricky is a GUY... not a princess.."
Fox: "Oh, sweet mother of God rocking Baby Jesus while Joseph gets plastered..."
Philip: "I'm going to Hell for that..."
Sonic: "Do I count as a Nintendo character now?"
Slippy: "Only if you truly do love me."
Sonic: "Fair enough."
Slippy: "So.. you love me?"
Sonic: "No."
Slippy: "But.. that one night...."
Sonic: "Umm.. shut up!"
Slippy: "You really ARE the fastest thing alive..."
Jim: "DAMN! My record has been broken!"
Sonic: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Tails: "It's okay.. I still love you."
*Sonic runs to the other side of the room*
Tails: "Why doesn't anyone like me?"
Mario: "Do you really want us to answer that?"
Tails: "Yes.... ummm.. no."
*Pikachu jumps up onto the middle of the table*
Pikachu: "Pika!"
*Mewtwo jumps up onto the middle of the table*
Mewtwo: "We have something to say. Join me, fellow Pokémon! Pikachu and I are going to start a NEW EMPIRE! With ONLY Pokémon. We will defeat all of you.. other Nintendo characters, so that only we remain. It will be a grand and glorious future! Bring me the head of Paul Taylor on a pike! We shall destroy our enemies! BWA HA HA HA HA!!"
Pikachu: "Pika!"
Ash: "No! Pikachu! Mewtwo! I will defeat you! No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will be there to defeat your evil!"
Mewtwo: "Have at you! NEVER shall you defeat me!"
*Ash jumps onto the table, pulls out a baseball bat, and charges at Mewtwo*
Mewtwo: "Oh, yeah!" *Mewtwo throws out an energy ball and hits Ash back into the wall*
Pikachu: "Pika!!!!!!" *Pikachu jumps off the table and hops over to Ash's side*
Mewtwo: "What? What about our glorious empire!"
Pikachu: "PIKA!!!"
Mewtwo: "But.. why would you give up our glorious empire to stand by the side of that human!"
Pikachu: "Because he's my bitch, homeslice! Like word up, motherf0kker! Duh!"
*Ash faints.*
Mewtwo: "Oh..."
Pikachu: "Pika!"
Narrator: "Didn't you also use..."
Philip: "Oh, shut up."
Mewtwo: "Too bad.. now nothing can stand in my way!"
Misty: "Oh, yeah? Pikmin! I choose you!"
*A volley of green, red, blue, yellow, and purple Pikmin rise up from under the table and swarm onto Mewtwo*
Mewtwo: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
*The Pikmin drag Mewtwo down under the table*
Mewtwo: "Gah! That doesn't go in there!"
*The sound of Mewtwo's screaming fades away as everyone stands perfectly still in utter terror*
Captain Olaf: "Very.. interesting development."
Mog: "THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH!!!!!!!!!!"
Joanna Dark: "Chill fuzzy, Pikmin happens.."
Cameraman: "Say Fuzzy Pickles!"
Mog: "Doesn't anyone have anything productive to add to this conversation?"
Peach: "Well, I have something to say. I hate my mother."
Mog: "And why do you hate your mother?"
Peach: "My family was always very regal, being royalty and all. So, I naturally hated my parents. It's something royalty does."
Mog: "And...?"
Peach: "That's it."
Mog: "But.. don't you have any underlining regret and turmoil? Well?"
Peach: "Ummm.. nope!"
Mog: "God... you people are HOPELESS!!!"
Mr. Sandbag: "Actually. I'm hopeless. I have self-esteem issues. People are always beating me up..."
*Link jumps over to Mr. Sandbag, pulls out a baseball bat*
Link: "See and swing away."
*Link sends Mr. Sandbag into the stratosphere*
Link: "Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy!"
Ganon: "Link... I am."
Link: "Huh?"
Ganon: "Link, I am your father, and Zelda is your sister. Also, the animal lander thing over there just bit off your hand."
Link: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Zelda: "Gah! I've commited incest!"
Ice Climber Popo: "Nana.. she speaks of this as if it's bad!"
Marth: "I shudder to think...."
Roy: "Well, at least that doesn't hurt you like it does me.."
Mog: "I'm totally lost here..."
Hamtaro: "May I speak for us all, in that I think we should work together!"
Mog: "Finally, a creature of distinction."
Dexter: "Guess he's not talking about Howdy."
Howdy: "Shut up, book-f0kker!"
Bijou: "Please.. don't fight!"
Oxnard: "Yeah! Or Penelope won't give you head anymore!"
Penelope: "Ukkyoo!"
Bijou: "I thought that was my job. Kush Kush."
Hamtaro: "Bijou! How could you?"
Boss: "Well, they did have the 3 sunflower seed fee."
Stan: "Opo? She charged me 8..."
Sandy: "Should have used your discount coupon, bro!"
Bijou: "Sandy! That's only when the ladies want to ruffle my ribbons!"
Hamtaro: "I thought only I ruffled your ribbons!"
Oxnard: "I let her have my sunflower seed."
Boss: "Does Bijou spit out the shell or swallow it?"
Bijou: "Spit usually! Swallow when it's just salty enough."
*Hamtaro faints*
Oxnard: "The ladies call me Oxnard for a reason! Yeah, baby, yeah!"
Bijou: "He makes me wanna chicka chicka chicka!"
Oxnard: "And badda badda bam?"
Bijou: "I'm so diggy duggy right now..."
Mog: "Speak ENGLISH! KUPO!"
Squishy: "I'm developing a lump in my tendrils."
Metaknight: "Here, lemme feel your tendrils. Nope, no lump that I can feel."
Goomba: "I get no respect. No respect at all."
Hammer Bros.: "We want our own game and we're not respected either.. equal rights for all enemies!"
Stalfos: "We also demand more SPIKES OF DEATH in games. It's just better that way."
RANDOM SPIKE OF DEATH: "HELL, YEAH!"
Bijou: "That looks like it would be painful going there..."
Princess Peach Toadstool: "You mean there? Naw, not really."
Samus Aran: "No...."
Plum: "Also, when are people gonna realize that I'm badass?"
Link: "You play golf, no one can be badass playing golf."
Plum: "Isn't Tiger Woods bad-ass?"
Link: "Umm... no."
Sudowoodo: "Eh......Dooooo yoou"
Mog: "Silence! The Sudowoodo is saying something! When Sudowoodo says things, it takes time!"
*times passes*
Sudowoodo: "Waaaant..... toooooooo"
*A Rare employee pops into the room*
Rare Employee: "Banjo! Conker! Joanna! Kameo!"
Kameo: "I'm in a game? I forgot..."
Rare Employee: "We're officially leaving Nintendo!"
Conker: "Bloody 'ell.. whatever for?"
Rare Employee: "We're going to be paid lots of money and all we have to do is toss salads at Microsoft!"
Banjo: "I always wanted to be a chef!"
Joana: "I don't know..."
Rare Employee: "Oh, Joanna, we're also remaking you. Instead of looking like a Lesbian Librarian, we're giving you an inflatable look!"
Joanna: "I wish I was dead."
Mog: "Pipe down and leave! Sudowoodo is still speaking!"
Sudowoodo: "Geeeeeeet Hiiiiiiiiiiiigh?"
All together: "No!"
Mog: "This is SOO wasting my time.. I say we adjourn for today!"
The END.
(Until I make another one.)