BACK TO THE INDEX.
Rated: PG-13
This MSTie and the Author Avatars, NeoVid and e X ! l e ,
are TM and (C) 1999 the co-authors of this MSTie and may
not be used without permission. The fic, "Triforce
Awakening," is (C) 1999 Philip Wesley, and it's his fault
that we're doing this. Club Anipike was created by
Nightbreak. All other characters are TM and (C) their
respective owners and were used without permission (don't
sue; we have nothing).
Note from NeoVid: There's just no pleasing some people, and all those
people E-Mailed me about my last MiST (at
neovid@hotmail.com). Wow, this is only the second MSTie
by the Scavengers, and our first (The Pokéman) has
already been posted on two sites: Area DMG of DMG Ice at
http://members.tripod.com/cgb001, and Shinji's Vault
of Anime MSTings at http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam.
You don't hate me, you really don't hate me! But I'll
change that with THIS MSTie!
Note from e X ! l e : Actually, I didn't think that our last MSTie would
rise to fame so quickly. It almost makes me want
to acknowledge it! Nevertheless, as last time, I
disavow knowledge of this MSTie. Have fun!
NeoVid and e X ! l e (the Author Avatars occasionally known as
the Scavengers) popped up in Club Anipike. NeoVid was looking especially
unpleasant. He still looked generally the way he had during his first
visit: slicked-back black hair and wire-rimmed glasses, but he had really
let himself go since then. He had let his hair and stubble grow out
into a scruffy mess. He now had hobnails on his boots and his T-shirt
showed the opposite of a Smiley Face button: the Angry Face. Even though
that freaky eye-straining-jacket-portal-thingie of his had changed from
deep-space black to night-sky blue, he still looked quite a bit more...
menacing. e X ! l e , on the other hand, looked the same as always,
enshrouded in his dark grey cloak and hood so that his face was hidden
in shadow, except for the glowing eyes.
NeoVid ground his hobnails into the floor. "I can't believe that
SVAM-" there was rumble as the Fourth Wall cracked. "-not only never
posted the Pokéman in the What's New section, but they put the wrong
name on it -at first- and when they corrected it, they spelled my name
WRONG! And worst of all, they put YOUR name first! At least Area DMG
only put an extra space in my name!" e X ! l e decided to derail this
train of thought as quickly as possible. "Um, did you see fight scene
#7?"
NeoVid looked a little less surly, and his shirt changed to read:
"Support mental illness! Read my MSTies!" "Heheh. Nothing I like
better than a good upset. And the Mighty Mobian Weenies actually winning
their match was the biggest laugh I've gotten since Bischoff took a roll
of quarters to the head."
"You're just saying that because Colley lost."
"Hey, I don't have a problem with Colley! It's just that it
always bugged me that Road Rovers had a fan and Project G.eeK.eR.
didn't."
"I still can't believe Nav lost it that badly. I mean, blowing
up Team Foxfire's rooms..."
"You knew it was Nav?"
"Well, he was the only suspect."
"Right, so I thought 'It can't possibly be Nav!' Just use logic!"
There was a grating sound as e X ! l e tried to think along
NeoVid's lines. "Uh, my logic doesn't work the way yours does."
"I can't believe my conclusion-jumping didn't get the right
answer! That never happens! It's a really bad sign if my mind is
starting to twist in a different way than usual..." e X ! l e had made
the mistake of forgetting that when Vid's train of thought gets on the
wrong track, it wants to stay there.
"Weren't we supposed to be doing a Suikoden MSTie this time?"
e X ! l e reminded him.
"Well, yeah, but Philip asked us to MSTie some of his stuff, and
that saves us the trouble of asking permission. Don't look a gift dummy
in the mouth."
e X ! l e clubbed him with the Staff of Enlightenment. NeoVid
rubbed his head and went into his programmed voice. "Very sorry...
Philip... did not deserve that..."
"And we still have to pick out our MSTiers," e X ! l e went on.
NeoVid blinked a couple of times. "Oh yeah! Well, let's not waste
any time." He looked around. "Ah. There's our candidate for the
calculating guy: Marron Glace. Hey, Marron! Good news! You're gonna
appear in our MSTie!"
"There's not a chance I'm going to-" then Marron turned around.
"Oh no. Author Avatars." The Sorcerer Hunter could instantly sense the
power they had, and that it would be suicide to go against what they
wanted him to do. Well, suicide if he was lucky.
Marron sighed. "Alright, I'll help you with your MSTie. But I'm
not about to like it."
"There's a shock," NeoVid said with heavy sarcasm. "Okay. Now
we have to pick out a... what's the word... warped pervert."
"Don't we already have one- OW!"
"Don't start on that until we've gotten to the MSTie, e X ! l e.
Ah, when you think of an anime pervert, who comes to mind but..." he
pointed across the room. "Ataru Moroboshi!"
"Ataru's not as smart as Marron, so he's not likely to cooperate."
e X ! l e commented.
NeoVid thought for a moment (he never thinks longer than that;
too much of a strain). "I've got an idea! And that almost never
happens!" NeoVid walked over to Ataru and grabbed him and turned him
around so that he was facing Marron.
"I'm giving you a chance to be in a dark theatre with her for an
hour."
This got a very predictable reaction from Ataru. "Sounds good to
me! When do we start?"
"Right now. e X ! l e ?"
e X ! l e got out the Staff of Enlightenment and used the key that
NeoVid had given him to open the portal to the Nowheresville Theatre.
Ataru rushed through the portal and pushed open the theatre door.
"What are you all waiting for? Come on!"
e X ! l e (who had been out of earshot with Marron) asked NeoVid,
"What DID you say to him?"
"Uh... you'll see. Unfortunately."
The two of them went into the theatre, followed by Marron.
As soon as they got inside, Ataru glomped onto Marron. Marron
went wide-eyed and shot him across the theatre with a blast of magic.
Ataru slid down the wall and hit the floor. As he pulled himself back to
his feet, he managed to say, "I'm used to beautiful women hitting me with
blasts of energy!"
"I AM NOT A WOMAN!!!"
Ataru facefaulted. "You're not? But he said-"
"Uh oh. Well, um, at least I only lied instead of knocking you
unconscious like I had to do with one of my last MSTiers."
"Well, I didn't agree to this! I'm out of here!" Ataru went to
the door and pulled the handle, doing nothing but straining his arms.
Ataru started looking worried and tried harder.
"I think you'll find escape is impossible. You're doing this
MSTie, so siddown! The faster we get through this, the sooner it'll be
over."
Marron took the right seat, closest to the exit. Then from him to
the left, e X ! l e , NeoVid, and Ataru.
NeoVid smirked, about to start with some Major Irony. "Don't
worry, it's not THAT bad..."
>Triforce Awakening.
N: While the rest of us are put to sleep.
> By The Avardancer
All: ...
e: I think I'll continue the tradition of not asking where the name
came from.
> (This is a completely new Legend of Zelda story and takes
>little from the previous games.)
e: Oh, great. A Legend of Zelda fic that has little to do with the
Legend of Zelda.
M: Of course it has little to do with the real Legend of Zelda. That
was good.
> Prologue
e: No need to be mean and remind me...
> It has been Two hundred years
e: Call now, and you get not only one, but two, yes, two hundred years!
A: That was weak.
e: I'm just warming up.
N: I'd hate to see when you're cold.
>since the last Triforce Knight passed
e: A football?
A: Gas?
N: On an offer to star in this fic?
>away. The Triforce Knights were formed by the King and The Hero of
>Legend more than a thousand years ago
e: What, were the Triforce Knights their chemistry project or
something?
M: The Triforce Knights sculpture collection. See it now.
>to protect the most treasured and fabled object of Hyrulean/Hylean
>Culture:
A: That poster of Pamela Lee with her swimsuit painted on.
>The Triforce. The Triforce has been regarded as a myth or Old Wives
>Tale
All: (TM)
>for the last fifty years.
e: And before that it was just regarded as a downright lie.
>Over the centuries rulers have risen and fallen,
N: They gotta be more careful with their school supplies.
e: And you said you hate to see ME before I warm up...
>kingdoms have flourished and flickered out.
A: (King) I wish I had remembered to change the batteries in my
kingdom!
>Steam technology has replaced the old ways. Hyrule is ruled by a
>Council of Elders; many of whom are the descendants of past kings,
cardinals,
N: And it really disturbs some of the citizens that birds had become
their leaders.
>and tyrants.
e: (Councilman) Nyah nyah, I'm the descendant of a tyrant and you're
not!
>The Council has ruled fairly for a hundred years;
e: Dang, imagine how many years they must have ruled UNFAIRLY...
>but rumors of maniacal experiments and abuses of power have become
>more common as of lately..........
e: Stupid tabloids.
M: They decided to make themselves into Author Avatars- OUCH!
> Chapter one:
N: Dear God no! It hadn't started yet!
>(The Discovery.)
e: Channel.
N: Wonderful, you're already down to the Riffs of Last Resort.
> "Dash it all, can't this bloody machine dig any faster?"
>Yelled the Foreman.
e: (Worker) Sorry, but union rules prevent us from working hard.
>"We've just begun to penetrate the crust
N: Of drool on Ataru's chin.
>of this old waste of stone."
N: Avardancer's mind.
e: Be nice! He asked us to MSTie this!
N: Yeah, he asked for it alright...
>Replied the Drill hand. "Garon Dragmire will pay us through his nose
>if this is the right temple!" Thought the Foreman.
N: (Foreman) But I hate having to clean the snot off all the money.
e: He should write a check like NORMAL people...
>They had been working on this dig for two months;
M: (Worker) How deep are we supposed to bury this guy?
>but always at night as part of the contract.
e: Um, why is it in the contract that they can dig only at night?
N: They were still below their drama quota for the year.
>"I wish we could do this during the day; when we could see better."
A: But we all know it's more fun in the dark!
>Grumbled one of the workers. "We can't 'cause this is supposed to be
>some type of National Monument."
N: Hello and welcome to Exposition Tonight! I'm your host, Phil
McCracken, and these are (points at e X ! l e) Harry Dong, (points at
Ataru) Mike LiToris, and (points at Marron) Eileen Ulick.
M: Hmm, I think Oscar knows all of them... and I'm a MAN, damn it.
>"Of course; I can't understand why anyone would want to see a stupid
>rock shaped like a turtle."
N: Of course, no one ever WANTS to see a National Monument...
A: (Whiny kid) I don't want to see another National Monument! It's
boring!
>"We've broken through!"
e: The Fourth Wall.
N: Hey, they're taking my job!
>The Foreman, a man by the name of Tabin,
N: Why did Edgar let him out of Final Fantasy III?
e: Um, that's Sabin, not Tabin...
N: DAMMIT, I KNOW THAT! IT WAS JUST A RIFF! I'M NOT IGNORANT LIKE
SOME PEOPLE! (Points at Ataru)
>pushed through the workers. "We have haven't we; go fetch my son; he
>might want to see this."
e: (Tabin) And if he doesn't, I'll MAKE him want to!
A: (Tabin's son) Not another National Monument!
>Tabin's son was a lanky sixteen year old by the name of Link. This
>name was given to him as part of a long standing tradition in Tabin's
>family.
N: Naming their children after sausage.
e: Then why isn't Tabin also named Link?
M: You see, in every other generation, they name the GIRLS Link.
>"Dad, do you think the legends are true?"
A: (Link) That every night, some hot babe appears down there?
>Link asked. "Legends or facts; I don't care
N: (Tabin) As long as I get mine.
e: Um, get your what?
N: ...Somebody's got to explain that to you someday.
>for as much if it brings us food for the table."
A: (Tabin) Our table's been starving lately.
e: (Link) Yeah, our neighbors are about to call the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Furniture on us!
>Tabin Replied. "Fetch me a lantern; 'cause me an' my boy are going
>in."
A & N: (Leering) Heeheeheehee...
M: I wish they hadn't made me start thinking about that...
e: Thinking about what?
>"Do you suppose that's a safe thing to do sir?" Said one of the
workers.
N: (Tabin) Don't worry, we've got protection!
e: I thought they were unarmed.
>"We'll be all right; besides what could possibly be in here that could
>hurt us?"
e: Oh, I don't know... maybe cave-ins, toxic fumes, or skeletons with
swords...
A: Let's not remind those two that one of the most dangerous things
in caves in that world are the Darknuts.
>Tabin replied as smug as he could; but he silently slipped a small
>dagger into his pocket just to be safe.
N: Along with the REALLY small weapon that was already in his pocket...
e: It didn't take long for you to turn into a total pervert again.
N: Thank you. I try.
>As they walked into the cavernous rock; they saw what the skeletons of
>strange creatures lined upon the floors.
A: They were lining the mattresses that they had exhausted themselves
to death on.
>There were strange inscriptions on the rocks and statues with eyes
>that pierced your very soul.
N: Dammit! Help me pull these things out of my soul, will ya?
>Suddenly they heard a strange howling sound. "Jest the wind, Link."
>Said Tabin. "Jest the wind."
M: (Link) Are you sure it's in the mood for humor?
>They came to a door with a giant skull engraved upon it.
All: THERE'S a positive sign...
>"That's one of them 'Stalfo' figures" "Legend says that they were
>undead warriors of evil."
M: As opposed to the very common undead warriors of GOOD...
N: Bloodgrave is going to have a problem with you about that.
>Said Tabin Factually. "Sounds like something out of a cheesy horror
>novel to me." Said Link.
e: No, it's actually out of a cheesy fanfic.
>They pushed the door open and a wondrous glow began to fill the room.
e: Wow, looks like someone has been polishing with Mr. Clean.
N: And I'm sure that "someone" is very satisfied right now.
(Mumbling) That's what you get for trying to take away my opportunity
at a lemon riff.
>"Is that the Triforce?" said Link.
M: (Tabin) No, it's just a cheap knock-off for the tourists.
>"It seems to be." Said Tabin. The Triforce loomed in a huge glass
>container above a small altar with the names of many knights inscribed
>into it.
N: Like Tuesday night, Wednesday night...
e: Pay attention to the words, not the Magic Voice.
Magic Voice: *Hey, if you didn't pay attention to me, you'd never get
to work on this MST.*
M: Stop paying attention to him right now!
A: Hmm... why does the Magic Voice sound exactly like e X ! l e ...?
N & e: (Look at each other and smirk.)
>"Hey, dad!" Link yelled. "My name is engraved in this stone, pretty
>keen isn't it."
N: (Tabin) How many times have I told you not to vandalize ancient
monuments, you little punk? *slap*
>Suddenly the strange howl started again. A strange figure started to
>rise from the shadows of the doorway.
A: How'd NeoVid get into that fic- OW!
>"I'm pleased with your progress, Tabin." The figure said.
N: Hmm... nah.
>"Garon?"
A: No, it's Pamela.
N: (Link) Wow, the legends were true!
>"Yes, Tabin; I've been keeping track of your progress very closely."
>"The rest of your workers have been relieved of their duty and this
>job has been erased from their memory." Said Garon.
A: (Worker) I hate it when I forget a good job.
N: Boy, I know what that's like. Damn screwed up memory...
>"Why?" Asked Tabin. "Because, Tabin, it makes my quest complete if no
>one knows about this little liaison."
M: (Garon) If my wife found out about it, she'd kill me!
>Garon unstrapped a large pitchfork that was strapped to his back.
N: Gee, he unstrapped something that was strapped to him? That's a
shock...
>"It's a pity that I must kill your son as well;
N: It is?
>but I mustn't let anyone know of this." "NO!" Yelled Tabin.
M: Switching into slow motion because it looked cool.
>Tabin pulled out his dagger and lunged toward Garon
A: Oh, he's going to do a LOT of damage with his puny weapon.
M: Well, he might leave Garon EMOTIONALLY scarred...
N: Using a three-inch dagger against a pitchfork... just another
example of a graduate from the Thinkerfic school of logic.
>only to meet the business end of Garon's
M: I'd rather not hear it.
>pitchfork.
M: Well, it's not as bad as I suspected.
e: Remember? Philip Wesley doesn't write lemons.
N: Aw, now you've wrecked all my fun.
>"Fool." Muttered Garon. "The Triforce is mine." "Murderer!" Screamed
>Link
e: (Garon) I'd much rather be called Garon, you know.
>and he dove at Garon. Garon pushed him aside and lifted up the glass
>surrounding the Triforce. An eerie voiced echoed across the caverns.
>"Touch the Triforce with a wish in your heart."
A: (Link) I wish Pamela would appear!
e: Imbecile! You gotta TOUCH the Triforce with a wish in your heart!
N: Triforce? That's what he's calling it now?
>Garon reached to touch the Triforce and it vanished. "What trickery!"
>Said Garon in disgust.
M: (Garon) How are they supposed to sell any of these to the tourists
THAT way?
>"This isn't even the real thing!"
N: (Garon) Now I'm starting to sound like my wife.
>He then turned toward Link.
(e X ! l e clubs NeoVid just in case he was going to start a lemon
riff.)
>"I'm most sorry about your father, boy; but I can't let you live
>either!" Garon lunged at Link. Link moved quickly out of the way
M: Which you must admit was a better idea than moving SLOWLY out of the
way...
>and tripped over a strange tile. Link felt the ground open up
A: (Link) The earth's moving for me!
>beneath him and he started falling. "Pity, what a waste of youth."
N: I could come up with an infinite number of lemon riffs right there,
but I'll refrain...
>Said Garon zealously as he walked out of the chamber.
> Chapter two: (Hero's Tale.)
N: Wasn't Hiro's tale told in Lunar: Eternal Blue?
e: I told you already; READ the words. Don't just listen to the Magic
Voice.
> Link felt his body
N: Much like Ataru does every night.
>falling down the chasm and he blacked out. Suddenly he was awakened
>by a girls voice.
A: (Girl) How many times have we done it? I lost count around dawn.
>"Are you okay now?"
A: (Link) I must... get back up...
>said the voice. "I think so.." Link replied. "We are in our dream."
>She said.
M: Which is quickly becoming our nightmare.
>"This is a dream?"
e: (Link) That explains why I'm only in my underwear.
N: I've got a much better explanation...
>"Yes, and I must tell you something, you are the Legendary Hero and
>you must stop Ganon."
All: Dun dun DAAAA!!
>"Ganon?"
M: (Girl) Um, probably... now I'm getting confused.
>"Yes, you must find the three crystals
N: Oh no, searching for crystals! I sense a Sailor Moon crossover!
Aren't there enough of those already?!?!? ARRRGGH!!!!!
>of Courage, Power, and Might."
e: What about the fourth one of Might Not?
>"Crystals?"
M: (Girl) Probably... now I'm confused again!
N: And here we have Link doing his impression of a parrot.
>"Yes, for they unlock the sword and the sword unlocks the Triforce
e: And the Triforce unlocks the... hip bone! And the hip bone unlocks
the... leg bone!
N: And the fanfic stars a... bonehead!
>and the Triforce will stop Ganon."
A: Who would have realized an RPG quest would get so complicated!?
>"Why the Triforce?"
M: Because nuclear weapons haven't been invented yet.
>"Because it is destined.." Then the girl vanished.
N: (Girl) ...that I will never finish saying...
>"Miss?" "Where are you?" Link yelled.
A: (Link) It says in my contract that I'm supposed to get a hentai
scene!
N: (Philip Wesley) Well, I'd better bring in Dodongo pretty soon...
>Then he heard a strange noise. Link turned around to face a huge
>creature with fiery red eyes. You cannot defeat me young boy; I am
>Ganon."
M: Can we quote you on that?
>The creature hurled a huge pitchfork at Link and pinned him to the
>floor.
A: (Link) I didn't want a hentai scene THIS bad!
e: Well, there's no such thing as a hentai scene that's GOOD...
>"You are the Legendary Hero and I must destroy you...."
M: Why is it that no bad guy realizes that Legendary Heroes can't lose?
>Link awoke with a start
e: Or the right C button, which has the same effect.
>and discovered that he had fallen into a large room full of hay, and
>skeletons.
N: HEY, SKELETONS!
e: I told you! READ THE WORDS! (*konk*)
>"Outsssssider." "Huh?" Link turned with a start to see a strange worm
>looming over him. "Delicoussssss Outsssssider."
M: Oh no, hentai scenes that start like that are always ugly...
N: Hello sssssenshi...
>It lunged at Link
M: I do not want to see this...
>and Link leapt out of the way of it's massive
N: Suddenly, even I'm scared...
>jaws.
N, e, & M: Whew.
A: Darn.
>Link saw a sword next to one of the skeletons and picked it up to
>defend himself.
e: Even though it hadn't done THAT guy much good...
>Tabin had taught Link how to use a sword when Link was twelve.
A: After that, it turned out Link had a bigger weapon, so it was too
humiliating.
>Link leaped at the worm and hit it between the eyes. The blade of the
>sword bounced off. "No weapon formed ssssshall pierccce my flesssssh."
A: (Moldorm) Which makes me wisssssh that I wasn't into body piercccing.
N: (Philip Wesley} Damn S key'sss ssssstuck again.
>Hissed the worm. Link moved quickly away. Then Link remembered an
>old tale his father had told him about a creature called
N: The Great Red Serpent, but he's just too horrible for this story.
>"The Moldorm"
N (Monotone): I'm Fox Moldorm, and this is agent Scully.
>and how it's heart was exposed
M: Making it very vulnerable in a relationship.
>on it's tail. Link dove past the jaws of the creature and quickly moved
>toward it's tail. Link was right!
e: See Link. See Link run. Run Link run!
M: Like a helpless little girl, Link.
>Link noticed a small patch of exposed flesh on it's tail
>and he dug the sword into it.
N: Wait. I thought you said Philip didn't write lemons.
A: (Link) Time to get me some tail!
>The creature gave an ear piercing
e: You know what it feels like to get an ear piercing from something
that doesn't have arms?
>screech and slumped to the ground dead.
M: How ironic that it was him and not us.
>Link looked over the creature he had killed and found a strange object
>embedded in it's back. It was a crystal.
N: Yeah, you have to hit the glowing crystal with Lumina to finish the
boss off!
e: Wrong action RPG.
M: Don't turn this into a verbal fencing match.
>Remembering his dream; Link plucked the crystal from the creatures spine
e: (Link's mom) Put that down! You don't know where that's been!
A: (Link) Yes I do! I took it out of the spine of this horrible monster
that I killed!
>and he heard a strange noise.
e: Do you hear strange noises?
N: (Link) Sometimes.
>It was the sound of running water.
A: (Philip) Oh no, they're flushing my fic!
>Then Link realized that he was in an old sewer!
All: How appropriate.
>He went toward the sound of
N: Porno music. A magnet for any guy!
>the water and he found an old door,
M: Which was much better for the plot than finding a dead-end and dying
in there.
N: Better for the plot, but for the rest of us...
>he flipped a switch in the wall next to it and suddenly water started
>pouring into the cavern. Link was caught in the current and blacked out
>again.
A: Yay! He's dead! Ha ha ha ha...
N: Don't get your hopes up. There's still ten chapters left.
> Chapter three: (Zelda.)
A: Gets implants- OW!
> The current carried Link further down the sewers.
All: Where he belongs.
>"Well, then young lady, how do you like my new 'steam carriage'?"
e: Hmm... a carriage made of steam?
>Said Alundran to his pretty young daughter.
N: Hold it. Uh, Magic Voice, replay the first part of this chapter.
> The current carried Link further down the sewers. "Well,
>then young lady, how do you like my new 'steam carriage'?" Said Alundran
>to his pretty young daughter.
All: ...
M: Quite an impressive editing job.
N: What was Philip on when he wrote that?
A: Viagra; his view of the screen was being blocked.
e: Thank you for that image...
>"It's fine, father." She said.
e: (Zelda) But a carriage made of steam isn't very practical.
>She was about 15 with blond hair and eyes as vast as the universe.
N: Which she carried in a wheelbarrow.
e: (Zelda) I hate being drawn anime-style.
>Her name was Zelda, a name passed down through the generations by her
>family.
e: (Zelda) Stupid hand-me-downs...
M: (Zelda) At least I'm not in the generation where I would be named
"Link."
>She hated it; to her "Zelda" sounded like some type of vegetable.
A: Which was the same thing everyone else thought after they met her.
e: (Boy) Mom, may I be excused from the table? I've finished all my
Zelda.
M: (Mom) First finish all of your Link. If you do, I won't give you any
more Philip Wesley.
>"Father?" Zelda said.
N: (Zelda) Forgive me, for I have sinned... (Normal) Okay, even I realize
that was pretty weak...
>"I've been having this strange dream lately."
A: (Zelda) I've been forced to serve Oscar's every whim...
e: (Zelda) While dressed in a white cat suit...
N: It took me till now to realize that reading something by Philip Wesley
isn't nearly as bad torture as some authors...
>"Tell me all about it." Replied Alundran.
N: ...Thinking, "And I'll put it on my site as a lemon fic."
>"I dream that I'm flying over the hills and plains of the land." "Then I
>tumble to the ground and I end up in a hall of mirrors."
N: Uh, who said that?
>"In the mirrors are images of people, places, creatures, and things."
M: Who said that?
>"I hear someone else in the hall as well."
A: Nani? Who said that?
>"There is a deep moan
N: How hard is Philip gonna try to prove he DOES write lemons?
>and a book appears before me."
e: Hey, who said that?
>"I start reading the words printed in the book and I hear a reply from
>beyond the mirrors."
N: It's Lina Inversed!
e: Let's take some time to reflect on that...
>"Then I turn to find my self trapped inside a strange triangle of gold
>and then... I wake up."
M: Why is SHE the only one to escape from the nightmare?
>"Hmmm." Thought Alundran. "I think, Zelda, that you must stay far away
>from the chefs rum cake!"
N: (Alundran) And maybe you should go on the heroin PATCH from now on.
>They stopped by a river and Zelda picked some flowers by the bank of the
>river.
A (Anguished): Where??? You could make it clearer, you know!
>"Alundran!" Said a harsh voice. "Garon, my friend!"
N: (Alundran) Who I don't realize is going to kill me because I'm a
moron and haven't read the rules for bad fiction!
>Replied Alundran. "How goes the Council?" Garon just leered
N: Dammit! He's stealing my job!
>at Alundran for a while than replied in a kurt manner. "They have sent me
>with a letter of your removal." "My removal?" "Why?" Garon sneered
>slightly,
N: At least he's not taking my job this time. I always sneer
condescendingly.
>then answered.
e: (Garon) Because I framed you for the murder of Tabin. Nothing
personal; it's just business.
>"You have been charged with plotting treason against the council and the
>murder of Tabin, former head of the Council Militia."
M: Tabin also has a former head.
N: DECAPITATO!
>"Oh my gods."
A:(Alundran) They killed Tabin! You bastards!
>"You must either abdicate your position, or be formally prosecuted."
e: By Ken Starr!
N: (Alundran) NO!!!! Kill me, please!
>"This will break my daughter's heart, Garon." "We'll have no more fine
>things, and no more of the life we have grown so close too."
M: Who's saying that?
N: You know, it's really bad form to put a Magic Voice in a fanfic.
e: The writer of The Reluctant Buma did it.
N: See?
>Garon turned his back to Alundran and said.
N: Hmm... Magic Voice, could you replay that bit too?
>We'll have no more fine things, and no more of the life we have grown so
>close too." Garon turned his back to Alundran and said.
N: Ummm... maybe I shoudn't have replayed it.
A: Even I don't want a lemon scene this badly.
>"Such is the way of power absolute." Garon got upon his horse
e: Provided by a plot contrivance.
>and rode off.
M: (Alundran) ...And the horse you rode in on, Garon!
>"Oh, what to tell Zelda." Thought Alundran.
A: (Alundran) It's considered a privelege to sleep in alleys these days,
Zelda.
>Suddenly Zelda screamed. "Father!"
N: (Zelda) You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! *bonk*
e: Um, where did that bonk come from? Please don't tell me Zelda has
access to Hammerspace...
> Chapter four: (Fate bound.)
e: And gagged.
N: And I'm going to gag anytime now...
> "Zelda!" Alundran yelled.
e: (Zelda) Father!
N: (Alundran) Zelda!
e: (Zelda) Father!
N: (Alundran) Zelda!
A: Lame!
M: Pathetic!
>"What is it?" Alundran came to the shore where Zelda standing.
M: Which seemed to be very near where Dr. Thinker standing.
>A young man had washed onto the shore of the river. He was obviously
>still alive; just unconscious.
A: Aw, I'm so disillusioned...
>Alundran and Zelda placed him into the steam carriage
e: He immediately fell through the steam and was injured seriously when
he hit the ground.
>and headed home. "Awaken hero." Link heard a voice.
M: Though since it said "hero," it obviously wasn't meant for him.
>"You aren't dead yet." said the voice.
N: (Voice) Except for your brain.
e: (Link) I would rather be dead than have to stay in this fic!
>Link was pinned to the ground by the pitchfork and a hand reached out of
>the darkness
A: And felt him up.
>and took the pitchfork away. "Link, now you must get up."
N: This fic used to have an illustration of Link, but it was touched up...
>Said the voice. Link looked up to see his father. "I thought you were
>dead?" Link said.
N: (Tabin) Gee, YOU NOTICED??? What tipped you off, the halo or the holes
in my chest???
>"No, Link." "I live;
e: (Tabin) I live! I live! BWAHAAHAA...
>but only in your dreams and memories."
A: (Tabin) And it's a real mess in here. The floor's all sticky...
>"Father, I have one of the crystals; I'll avenge you."
N: (Tabin) You little moron! You need the other two first! *whap*
>"Well, done Link."
A: (Link) Oh, I'm done already?
N: Well-done Link. Free samples now being served!
>"Then Links father vanished. Then the darkness around Link swelled
A: The darkness has been reading lemons?
>and started spinning slowly becoming vapor. Suddenly all Link saw was a
>blur.
N: That means it was a really good one!
>"Father, he's waking up." "Well, boy." "Welcome back to the land of
>the living!"
e: ...Dead.
N: He's legally dead. Like the plot.
>"Where am I?" Asked Link. "You are in Koholint
N: Okay, first of all, we not only have a writer who uses multiple quotes
for one phrase, but now, he can't even be bothered to come up with
an original name! I mean, Koholint Island never actually existed!
>Manor,
e: Maybe that's why he's using Koholint MANOR.
N: I was just raving. Mind your manors.
>I am Alundran of the Council
N: The Multiverse Video Fighter's Council? Cool!
e: Will you give up on them? They don't even have a site anymore.
N: Hey, breaking the Fourth Wall is my job.
>and this is my daughter Zelda." "Pleased to meet you, Zelda and
>Alundran." Replied Link. "What happened?"
M: So, even the main character of the story doesn't know what's going on.
>"We found you on the shore of the river with this sword."
A: (Alundran) We were kind of disturbed by the way you were stroking it
and humming, but...
>"I must have washed out of Moldorm's pit
e: But Moldorm didn't have any arms...
>through the sewers." "Moldorm?" Said Alundran. "You must still be a bit
>rattled from whatever happened to you;
N: (Link) Well, piece me brain die from lack oxygen...
>because EVERYONE knows that Moldorms don't exist."
M: (Arrogant Link) They don't NOW!
>"Well, we have introduced ourselves; but we don't have a clue who you
>are."
N: (Link) Me not know either. Lose brain, remember?
>"My name is Link, and my father is Tabin." "Well, he was..."
A: Hey! That's what I was going to use as a riff!
>"And what do you mean by 'was'?" Asked Zelda.
e: (Link) He disowned me because my sword was bigger than his! Waaaaah...
N: Now you're thinking like me.
e: ...
>"He was killed by Garon." Said Link. "That my boy, is a very serious
>accusation." Stated Alundran.
N: (Alundran) And it couldn't be true, because I killed him! heeHEEhee...
>"Very serious and depraved." Said a voice.
All: (look around) Magic Voice?
>"I thought I told you to leave this place, Alundran." "Garon!" "What are
>you doing here, Garon?"
M: (Garon) I'm here because I like hearing my own name.
>"I have come for the boy,
N: Hmm... nah.
>Alundran; you see he is quite insane and needs to be dealt with
>properly."
M: Reminds me of someone- OUCH!
>Link sprung out of the bed and grabbed his sword. He held the sword
>menacingly
N: Mmm... lemony.
>and then noticed some thing strange about the sword.
A: This thing is all kinky!
N: Okay, that's too much for me right there.
>The sword had three holes in its hilt. Link took the crystal from his
A: (Link) Give me some time to feel around for my crystal ball...
>and placed it in the hilt of the sword.
N: (Link) OW! DAMN that hurts!
> The sword began to glow an eerie blue.
A: That just means he knows what to do with his crystal balls.
>"What is that, boy?"
A: (Link) It's my sword! Wanna hold it?
N: You know, if he had left the comma out of that sentence, he could have
been talking about Oscar.
>Said Garon. "Alundran, can't you see that this boy is dangerous; and he
>practices witchcraft!" "You must detain him."
M: (Alundran) Do you think I want to keep him around here any longer than
I have to???
>Alundran stepped toward Link and took out a small crossbow. "It's a
>tranquilizer boy;
A: (Garon) Send for my tranquilizer boy!
M: Tranquilizer arrows... THOSE are certain to be easy on the victim.
N: It's the same principal as the tranquilizer bazooka.
>just put down the sword."
A: (Link) I would, but I'm kind of attached to it, knowhutimean?
>Alundran shot the crossbow at Link. Link blocked the arrow with his
>sword
e: There are some things that just shouldn't be pierced.
>and leapt up onto the ledge of the window.
M: Then immediately lost his balance and toppled out the window to his
timely death.
N: Feeling unpleasant today, Marron?
M: Only since you made me star in this MSTie.
>Garon pulled out a pitch fork
A: From where, exactly...?
N: He does seem like the retentive type...
>and threw it at Link. Link jumped out of the window into the bushes.
M: Which, of course, turned out to be roses.
N: (Link) Ow, the thorns! Oh god, it hurts! Get me outta here! DADDY!!!
A: (Tabin) I'm dead! How many times do I have to remind you??? Damn
stupid kid.
>Link picked himself up
N: Completely breaking the laws of Physics... and proving he's an Author
Avatar.
>and started to run,
M: Observe how bravely and heroically he cowers in fear!
>thankful that the house was only one floor high.
e: Manors in Hyrule are only one-floor high?
N: Manors for the poor! We're giving them out free!
>Garon ran to door
e: (Garon) Door, I need some help with catching that kid.
>and called some of the guards to catch Link. Link ducked into an
>alleyway and lost his pursuers.
N: (Link) I should have fixed that hole in my pocket! I lost my
pursuers!
>"I have one of the crystals." Thought Link. "Now where is the other
>two?" Suddenly his sword began to glow again
A: I don't have time for that now!
>and an image appeared in the sword.
M: He really should see a doctor about that.
>Link saw what looked like a castle on a hill; but upon closer inspection,
>he realized that it was a picture of Trudo Castle.
N: *brain makes grinding sound* So... Trudo Castle... isn't a castle...
e: *whacks NeoVid*
N: Thanks, I needed that.
e: You should know better than to think about the fic at all.
>Trudo Castle was the oldest prison in Hyrule. He saw Alundran and Zelda
>being escorted toward it.
A: (Link) Wow, maybe I could use this to watch Zelda in the shower later!
N: Link's got a sword that provides all the entertainment the guy needs!
>The sword could tell the future!
N: Ah, the mighty power of PLOT CONTRIVANCES! The bad author is mightier
than the sword!
>Link decided that he should save them.
N: (Link) Well, I'm the hero of this fic... so, well... MAYBE I oughtta go
rescue 'em...
>Back at the manor, Garon placed Alundran under
(Marron and e X ! l e pre-emptively blasted the other two.)
>arrest.
> Chapter five: (Past reasons.)
> Link slowly peeked
N: (Link) Okay, maybe I DO have time for this after all...
>around the corner of the alley. Slowly checking for intruders. Suddenly,
>Link felt a cold hand on his
M: Please don't start that.
>shoulder. "You!"
A: So that's who it is! Thanks.
>Link heard a voice say. Link turned with a start
e: Or left on the analog stick, which has the same effect.
N: You used that one already.
>to see an old, decrepit man standing behind him dressed in a long robe.
A: Does that remind you of a MSTier, anyone- OW!
>"Who are you?" Link said. Drawing his sword,
e: (Link) How do you like this portrait of my sword?
N: (Link) It wasn't easy, since I could only see my model through a
microscope.
>Link back away from the strange figure. "I am Treshalan;
e: Gezundheit.
>I have been looking for you, Link."
N: (Treshalan) Because I'm just starving for sausage!
>"How do you know my name?"
M: (Treshalan) Your name tag.
N: (Ditto) That tattoo on your forehead. Your father must have had
a lousy memory.
A: (Same) I'm psychic! WHhhooOOO!!!!
e: (Again) I recognized you from those other bad fanfics you were
in.
>"I am a spirit of the ancients."
N: (Treshalan) I was called Aerith before I got killed.
>"Spirit of the ancients?" "Yes" The odd man explained.
M: I thought NeoVid wasn't in this fic- OW!
>"The ancients guide the world and keep the Triforce." "Now, Link, you
>must follow me to the Temple of Time." Link looked in awe
All: Awwww...
>as the odd man disappeared in a blue light. Then Link felt himself
A: (Link) I just can't keep my hands off me.
>being lifted off the ground and suddenly the alleyway shown of bright
>blue and vanished.
N: Now, allow me to show you our bright RED alley.
>Link found himself standing on a slab of stone in the middle of a great
>pool of water.
N: I expected him to wet his pants, but this is going a bit too far.
>Link looked around and saw strange symbols inscribed in to the stone
>slab.
A: He must have really needed to get the pressure off.
>Suddenly a huge dragon head arose from the water.
e: Eww, a severed dragon's head???
N: (Link) Oh no! Not the third crest guardian!
e: Wrong action RPG again.
>"You have come here through our guidance; I must test your worthiness."
>"Hey, I'm worthy all right!" Link said harshly.
M: Why does everything Link says sound like a sarcastic riff?
>"Now, will someone PLEASE tell me what the HELL is going on and where I
>am?"
N: (Dragon) No, it's been decided that we are giving you the mushroom
treatment; kept in the dark and buried in crap.
>"Impudent worm!" Scoffed the Dragon.
e: (Link) No, that was the Moldorm.
>"I am Life Brood;
N: I liked it better when Philip was ripping off Hyrulian names...
>the great guardian of the second crystal and gatekeeper of the Temple of
>Time." "So what." Link said. "I just want to go rescue Alundran and that
>Zelda chick."
A: (Link) See? I can act heroic with the best of them!
>"In time; but first I must teach you some respect!"
N: (Life Brood) You will respect my authori-tay!
>Link felt the stone slab sinking. Life Brood melted back into the water
e: (Life Brood) I'm melting! I'm melting!
N: (Link) Duh... that was easy...
>and a giant hand appeared and lunged at Link.
A: (Link) My weapon's not THAT big!
>Link swung his sword at the hand; but it grabbed him slammed him against
>the stone slab.
N: (Link) Uhh... you broke my weapon...
>"Oww, why'd you do that?" Link said.
e: uh... to teach you some respect, like he said earlier?
M: (Life Brood) I'm a giant evil monster. What else am I supposed to do?
>Then Life Brood's head appeared again.
e: (Life Brood) Peek-a-boo!
>"To punish you for your attitude."
N: (Life Brood) I, Sailor Life Brood, will punish you!
>"Okay, I'm sorry." Said Link.
M: (Link) Now may I be excused before you destroy me utterly?
>"Good, now I can tell you." Said Life Brood. "You face a much deeper
>threat than you realize."
e: (Life Brood) You are actually a mindless puppet of the Avardancer!
>Life Brood told Link about the Triforce.
> Chapter six: (Life Brood's Tale)
N: ...Mnn, too easy.
> "You see Link, the world is based on balances
e: Which usually means that the good guys are in control...
>and alignments.
N: But its alignment's gone bad and it'll have to stay in the shop for a
while.
>Not of the stars, or of the seasons; but of souls.
M: And also clichés.
>I have seen that life on the planet is becoming more evil;
N: Just like in every other RPG ever made...
>and this will be the undoing of it.
e: Well, I haven't seen many planets undone by too much good... even
though I suppose it CAN happen...
>For I fear that the Triforce grows restless;
e: How can you tell? It doesn't even have a face!
>it has been so long without an owner. And without use the Triforce loses
>its
A: Muscle tone.
N: Okay, all you flabby Triforces! Feel the burn!
>power. Soon the Triforce may vanish into dust. If the Triforce vanishes;
M: The fic will end early and save us a lot of pain.
e: No it won't! EVERY RPG fanatic knows that the good guy has to WIN
before it ends!
>the triune gods
N: The _whuh_ gods? I've never even met those guys before.
>will destroy this world and all in it!"
N: But they sound like my kind of people!
>"So, I get it." Said Link. "If I don't find the Triforce; the world will
>be doomed."
All: YAY!!!!!
M: I'm sure he'll save the world anyway.
A: Mattaku.
>"Yes, that is correct." "Why don't you get it, Life Brood?"
e: Because then the hero wouldn't have anything to do!
N: He can do something?
>"I cannot; for I am
M: A minor character.
>an element of life and therefore have no alignment."
N: Actually, that kind of makes sense, since life is an element of chaos,
and chaos is neutral...
e: Leave your back story out of this, okay?
>"Oh." "Now, young Link; we must battle!!"
A: In a completely predictable clichéd fight scene!
>"Do I have to kill you, Life Brood?"
N: (Life Brood) Yeah. That's the only way I'm going to get out of my
contract...
>"No, that isn't the point of the test."
M: Yet another pointless scene in this fic.
>Life Brood suddenly disappeared into the water. The stone slab stretched
>wider and wider.
N: It's really in bad taste to make any riffs about stretch marks... but I
won't do it anyway.
>Then suddenly a strange figure of water dropped from the sky. It looked
>exactly like Link. "I am your test of wisdom; prepare to die."
All: *laughing*
N: THERE'S a test of wisdom...
A: (Life Brood) The test is if you're wise enough not to listen when I
tell you to eat this broken glass and then jump off the
slab.
>Link drew his sword and swung it at the doppleganger. Theclone
N: If there's one thing I've learned, it's never mess with a Theclone.
>parried his every swing. Link tried harder and harder; but the
>doppleganger matched his every move.
M: (Link)And this is supposed to test my wisdom how...?
>Then Link knew what to do. Link dropped his sword
A: (Link) I give up! Just please don't hurt me!
N: You know, he sounds like Night'Man' in the AAA.
>and turned his back to the doppleganger.
M: Always a strategically sound move.
>The clone did the same.
e: Then said, "I'm not that dumb," picked up his sword, and spun around
and cut Link's empty head off.
>"Now," said Link. "I will defeat you."
A: Since the clone was as nearly as dumb as Link, it ignored that.
>The doppleganger turned quickly and saw Link kneeling in front of him.
N: Preparing for a Lewinsky...
>The doppleganger quickly did the same. Link picked up his sword and
>placed it into a crevice in the rock.
A: Removing his sword must have hurt like hell.
>The doppleganger did the same.
N: (Doppleganger) It's what everybody's doing these days!
>Then Link pretended to jump onto the sword.
M: If only he wasn't just pretending...
>The doppleganger seeing Link jump copied and landed on it's sword
>impaling itself. Link smiled and picked up his sword. "Copy cat." Link
>muttered.
N: But since the doppleganger had only pretended to fall on his sword, he
spun around and split Link's pointy head open.
A: Which gave Link the chance to star in Last Fraction Hero!
e: You know, if Philip had just ended it with Link kneeling, it would have
been so symbolic.
N: It's still symbolic. Of total unoriginality.
> Chapter seven: (Life Brood's Test)
e: (Link) Aw, man, another one?
N: No. Life Brood is being tested this time. See?
> "That was easy, Life Brood!" Link challenged.
M: (Link) By the way, I'm not an arrogant little snot.
>"Well, then." Said Life Brood. "Let us see how you handle this!"
A: Ah, go handle yourself.
>Link saw an eerie image appear before him. It was his father!
N (monotone): Ooh... that's eerie.
> "Father?" Link said. "No." Said the image.
N: (Tabin) Are you blind, you little moron?!?
A: (Link) You do SOUND like my father...
>"I am your test of Power!" "You must kill me!"
A: (Link) ALRIGHT!!!
N: Link has some unresolved issues.
>"This is just sick,
N: ...Philip.
>Life Brood!" Said Link. Suddenly the image lunged at Link and stabbed
>him in the side. Link backed away and felt his side. Blood!
e: What did he expect to come out? I don't want an answer to that, by
the way...
>The image was going to kill him.
N: Isn't that the same thing the editor-in-chief of DC Comics said?
>Link reared back his sword; the blue energy from the hilt of the sword
>started surging again!
N: I REALLY don't have time for that now... well...
>Link swung the mighty sword with all his strength
All: *laugh*
M: I wish I hadn't started to think this way.
>sending a huge bolt of blue energy searing toward the image.
e: *cringing* Just be glad it wasn't white...
>Link stood and gazed at the ashes of the image. And shed a tear for his
>father's death. "I don't want to do this anymore." Link said.
N: He's starting to sound like Marron.
>"I want to leave."
A: Now he's starting to sound like me.
>"Well done!" Life Brood's voice echoed.
e: He was ordering a burger.
>"You had the power to do away with the image; even when your heart said
>otherwise."
e: So, true power comes from being ruthless...?
N: Yeah. Going AGAINST your heart is ALWAYS a sign of strength in RPGs...
>"For true power comes not from physical strength; but from emotional
M: Problems. Link has plenty of those.
>strength." "In life there is a time and a place for things;
N: Yeah, I've noticed that there are generally things in life. That's
what makes it fun!
>knowing the time to mourn and to move on is the greatest power known."
>"If you give up now; before the final test!"
A: We won't be put through the rest of this mess.
>"All I have told you and tested you for is lost."
e: I think it'll be lost on him anyway.
>Link looked up at the now towering wall of water that is Life Brood.
>"Well, what else have you got?"
N: (Life Brood) You asked for it.
M: I believe he's the only person I've ever seen who was foolish enough to
actually ASK to be put through more of that.
>Life Brood stretched a huge watery
M: Oh no.
>wing toward the sky and revealed a crystal in his aquatic talons. "Fetch
>the stone, young warrior."
A: (Life Brood) Fetch, boy, fetch!
e: (Ditto) Go get it, Link!
N: (Same here) And maybe I won't have you neutered! Maybe.
>Said Life Brood. Link leaped up to edge
N: Of starring in a Thinkerfic.
>of the wing and slid right through into onto the slab.
N (singing): Into onto into onto...
e: I wonder where that reference came from.
>"You're not solid!"
N: Of course. Solid Snake is his brother.
>"True courage boy, can make you walk on even water!" Life Brood said.
e: There's a demonstration of fanfic logic if I ever saw one.
>Link reared back and jumped again; this time; he landed on the water;
>Link slowly took a few steps. His feet started to sink.
N: (Link) Damn! Guess I'm NOT Jesus...
A: (Ditto) Sword's weighing me down...
>Link stopped walking and started to sprint toward the stone; his feet
>getting deeper into the water.
M: Then he sunk all the way in, drowned, and the fic ended.
N: You're not that lucky, Marron.
>Link leaped at the stone and grabbed it from Life Brood's talon's
e: His talon's what?
>and suddenly was transported back to the stone slab.
N: Through a plot hole.
>"Huh?" Link said.
M: He's certainly staying in character.
>"You have done well, young warrior." Said Life Brood.
e: (Life Brood) I'm impressed. I was only kidding about being able to
walk on water...
>"You may continue to Trudo Castle; where you will meet both death, life,
>love, and the third crystal..."
N: *snort* Heheh, and you'll also meet both of the four people MSTing
this.
e: And you'll also meet both plotholes, shoddy writing, bad ideas, and
a missing grammar checker.
M: You'll also meet both myself, Carrot, Tira, Chocolate, and Gato.
A: And both me, Lum, Shinobu, and Mendou.
e: And both of the four of us are driving this joke into the ground.
>Link looked up at Life Brood and the Temple faded in a brilliant red.
> Chapter eight: (Rescue?)
N: From this fic?
> "I trust that you will find your new home; quite 'plush',
>Alundran?" Sneered Garon.
A: (Alundran) Mmm... plushy.
>Garon locked the door to Alundran's cell and chuckled as we went away.
N: (Philip) Great work, Garon. This will teach them to be
two-dimensional.
>Garon made his way up to the gates of the prison. "What do we do with the
>girl?" Said one of the guards to Garon.
N: I'm going to have to give him that same talk that I'm going to give
e X ! l e later.
>"Hmm." Garon chuckled. "With her father in prison and her reputation and
>power dissipated."
N: (Garon) I will turn her out!
>"I guess... I could use a new worker in my estate." He loomed over Zelda.
M: (Garon) Zelda, what do you think of my weaving?
Everyone else: *groan*
e: "Loomed" over Zelda, huh?
N: PUNDIT!
>"Well, little girl, are you any good at
A: Acting?
N: I think we all know the answer to that.
>laundry?" Zelda just stared at Garon, speechless. Almost as if she was
>in a
e: Fanfic?
N: Well, this is the best dialogue she's had yet.
>trance. Link made his way through the underbrush and thick hedges of
>vines, dormant deku plants, and other things.
e: Broken glass, stacks of Garon's victims, stacks of Link's victims...
N: Metal Gear Solid fans out for blood because his game beat theirs at
the 1998 awards.
>Link saw the tower; and the moat around it.
M: Having a moat INSIDE the tower would probably defeat the purpose.
>Hiding in the bushes;
A: And doing something else there since he hadn't had time to use the
restroom during the entire fic...
>he saw Zelda and Garon. Counting the guards; Link held tightly to his
>sword.
e: (Link) I can't wet my pants now!
>The sword started glowing blue, then a red.
N: (Worried Link) Uh oh. I've been playing with it too much.
>"What's that!" One of the guards yelled.
N: (exact Metal Gear guard) What was that light?
e: Your impressions were never that good before.
N: They were never of anyone that I've heard before.
>Garon, seeing the blue light;
M: Even though it had already turned red, which meant there must be
something wrong with his vision.
>immediately knew who was there. In sheer fear; Garon went back into the
>prison's gates.
A: Uh... right. The main bad guy running in sheer fear.
N: Well, isn't that about what we expect from this fic?
Everyone else: Yes.
>The Guards; abandoning Zelda went to investigate the light.
All: Go towards the light...
>Link heard them and grew nervous. The Sword started getting hot in his
>hands and was hurting Link.
(NeoVid opens his mouth to riff, then keels over from opportunity
overload.)
M: Why couldn't it have happened to him _and_ Ataru?
>The guards suddenly discovered Link. Paralyzed by fear.
A: A sudden case of performance anxiety.
N: *pulling himself back to his feet* It was an especially bad sign that
his sword was starting to wilt.
>Link stood still; as they surrounded him.
M: The idea of FIGHTING before they surrounded him never came to mind.
>"Put down the sword son." "Garon told us about you."
A: (Guard) And none of us is about to get near you while you're still
holding that sword.
>Link closed his eyes and suddenly felt his body spinning;
N: He had been blasted by one of the Mew.
M & A: What?
e: Sorry. Reference to our last MSTie.
>being led by his hands in an arc.
N: (Impatient Noah) The Hyrulians haven't shown up yet... they can't say
I didn't warn them.
e: You're really reaching, Vid.
>Link opened his eyes. There was nothing but dented armor and ashes around
>him. The grass that had hidden him
A: Had all been smoked by the guards. Which is why they hadn't been
paying attention to Zelda.
>was gone; completely leveled.
N: (Link) Duh... how'd I do THAT???
e: (Link) And for my next trick...
>Link heard a voice;
e: So he was smoking that grass too...
>it was
e: Mufasa?
N: Yoda?
All: Wait- The Magic Voice!
>Life Brood! "Link, this is the power you possess." "Retrieve the last
>crystal!" Zelda rushed to meet her rescuer.
A: Then she saw it was Link and she realized how much trouble she was
in.
>"Link!" She said.
N: (Zelda) ...Do you have to keep holding your sword like that?
>"I thought you had died!" "Nah, the old classics never die, Zelda."
A: Which means he's about to be slashed into a blob of lumpy spaghetti
sauce.
>Link gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
N: (Garon) Just because I'm standing here in a red-and-white checked
gingham dress- and army boots- I didn't think you'd change
your attitude so much.
e: I'm dwarfed by your knowledge of obscurity.
>"Link, you must rescue my father." "Garon is a traitor and he must be
>destroyed."
e: (Zelda) You must send him to another dimension!
N: Yeccch, don't remind me about that...
>"I know what he did to your father." "I know about the Moldorm and Life
>Brood."
N: (Link as Rootrick) Of course I's know that already, so shut up ya dum
gal or y'all is gonna get a lickin'!
>"How do you know these things, Zelda?"
M: (Zelda) I've been reading the script.
A: (same) I'm psychic too! WHhhooOOO!!!!
N: (ditto) I saw it in a vision after I found some of that grass...
>"I'm not sure; I just know them." Link turned toward the entrance to the
>prison. "Zelda, go get the High Councilman; you may still have his
e: Remote control. He'll HAVE to listen to you!
>trust. Bring him here. I feel that what will happen tonight; he must
>witness."
A: Is he sure he wants to turn that into a spectator sport? Not like I
wouldn't pay admission, but...
M: Just what the world needs... pay-per-leer theatre.
>Zelda left quickly as Link stepped into the dark dungeon of Trudo
Castle.
> Chapter nine: (Trudo and the Triforce.)
A: Well... I won't try it.
> Garon lay in wait in the shadows; watching Link as Link
>passed by his hiding place.
N: (Garon) I'm one of those modern-macho-shadow-dwelling-butt-kicking
villains! And ooohh I'm like, tough, you know? Grr!
M: What little suspense this fic had just died horribly.
>Link slowly moved around the cells. cautiously, he moved;
N: I really wish I could kill him so that he'd stop moving.
>then something caught his eye.
A: A rusty nail sticking out of the wall.
e: (Link) AAAH!!! My eye! The pain, the pain!!!
>It was a chip in the mortar of the dungeon.
N: (Stoned Link) Wow, that chip in the wall is so, like, meaningful...
>Link saw light coming through the dungeon wall. He pushed on it and it
>didn't budge. Suddenly Link saw a barrel of old gunpowder.
M: It's obvious why they don't have many prisoners in this castle. They
leave too much gunpowder in the cells.
e: Maybe they give them gunpowder but no means to start a fire.
N: I just got this really disturbing thought about rubbing two sticks
together, but I won't go into it.
>"This is handy"
A: Thanks for the plot contrivance, Philip!
>Link thought to himself. spreading as much of the powder around the
>crack as possible;
N: (Link) This will take care of those 'roids.
>Link gripped his sword tightly;
N: I'm almost tired of that.
A: That's the same thing Link is thinking.
>and concentrated. The blade grew hot and ignited the gunpowder; in a loud
>explosion
M: At least the writing wasn't so bad that it was a QUIET explosion.
>the wall dropped away in rubble.
N: (exact Fred Flintstone) Barney, why'd you eat that wall?
>Link stepped over the fallen mortar and into what appeared to be a
>temple.
N: He then jammed his sword right into the guy's temple, killing him
instantly.
>In the temple were many statues, and a strange stone. Link read the
>inscription on the stone. "Only the Wise and the Strong;
M: Which rules out Link.
>the fatherless
e: He's okay on that one...
>and the held
A: Well, he does hold himself a lot.
>can break this seal;
N: Doesn't it usually take a guy with a club to break a seal?
e: Now that was just wrong, Vid.
>to claim and reveal the Triune Power of the gods:
N: The _whuh_ power of the gods? Why wasn't anything explained during
this fic?
e: That would have made it last longer.
N: Okay. I'm glad nothing was explained.
>The Triforce rests without an owner." "Link." Said a voice.
A: (Voice) Heehee, I can't believe they're still naming them after
sausage.
>An eerie chill filled the room.
A: (Link) Oops, forgot to put my pants back on.
>Link turned to see Garon; standing with many guards.
N: They were all pointing and laughing at his puny sword.
>"Well, boy. You found my Triforce." "it seems that only you
>an Alundran can break the seal... The Fatherless and the Held!"
e: *sweatdrop* I wish somebody would explain what's going on here, since
Philip Wesley sure didn't.
>Link just stared at Garon with hate.
A: (Link) Make fun of my sword, will you? DIE!!!
> Chapter ten: (The die is cast.)
e: It's loaded so Link is sure to win.
>Garon made Link and Alundran stand in the
e: Corner till they had learned their lesson.
>middle of the room next to the stone. Suddenly, a strange light
>surrounded them.
A: (Link) Don't worry. This always happens when I touch my sword.
>Then a strange figure appeared in the light and landed in the middle of
>them.
N: Since two solids cannot exist in the same space, when the strange
figure landed in the middle of them, there was a nuclear explosion.
The end.
>Link turned to face the strange figure. "Well, my boy." Said the figure.
>"I am the essence of the Triforce."
M: (strange figure) My name is Plothole.
A: Are you sure that name starts with Plot?
>Garon reached out to grab the Triforce; the suddenly Alundran pushed him
>away.
N: (Alundran) Garon, prepare to lose your three greatest treasures! And
I don't mean the Triforce!
> "Sorry, Garon; you get to rot like the maggot you are..."
A: (Garon) I'm no maggot! Don't call me that just because I wear a
dress!
>Alundran grabbed the Triforce and suddenly started transforming into a
>huge blue pig like demon.
N: Ain't he cute?
All: Aww...
>"Heh. Heh. I am Ganon!" Garon and Link stood confused by this
>development.
All: O_o
M: As well as the four MSTiers.
N: My god! I don't believe it! An original idea!
e: I know I never saw it coming.
A: Even though we've seen Link coming too many times...
>"Now, Garon, my sad servant.... YOU DIE!"
All: YAY!!!
A: We had to wait ten chapters, but it's finally getting good!
>Ganon cast a huge blue bolt from his hand at Garon and Garon's flesh
>melted off of his face in a horrid spectacle; until all that remained
was
>a pile of dust and a medallion.
N: Cooool... now that's my kind of fight scene!
>"Garon is dead. I am free, the Reckoning will not begin."
N: (Redneck) Yeah, it ain't gonna happen, ah reckon.
>Link heard Life Brood's riddle in the back of his mind. "The balance!"
>Link exclaimed.
e: Well, we know the answer to the riddle... but what about the riddle
itself...?
N: 42.
>Ganon turned to him and said. "Yes, the balance has been tipped toward
>the darkness now.
A: Who would've believed that a guy who was so good in his own Playstation
RPG could go so bad?
N: *sigh* And we almost managed to get through without any Alundra
references.
>This world is mine for the taking! I will let you witness my triumph
>boy!"
N: (Ganon) I am Ganon! You must all bow down before me, puny
badly-written original characters!
>Link hung his head in shame. Then he bolted out of the Temple in hopes of
>escape.
e: (Link) Save me, daddy!
N: (Tabin) I can't do anything. I'm DEAD, you imbecile! Wait until YOU
find out what it's like... in a couple more minutes.
>He ran and tripped down into a pit. Everything went black.
> Chapter eleven: (Strange.)
M: That we lasted this long.
> "Link?" Said a voice. "Are you okay boy?"
e: (Link) Do you want an honest answer?
N: (Alundran) Hell no.
>Link awoke and saw Alundran standing before him.
M: He would have had a hard time seeing Alundran standing after him.
>Link wielded his sword and told Alundran to stay back.
A: (Alundran) You think I'm gonna get anywhere near that sword?!
>Alundran just looked at Link with a puzzled expression on his face.
N: Unfortunately, his face hadn't been assembled yet.
>"What's the matter link?" Said Alundran. "You look like you've seen
>a ghost!" Link glared at him and said: "I have.... I think." Alundran
>pulled out a small
N: Weapon, which he didn't want to compare to Link's.
>satchel from his belt. "Link, look at this. It's Mires Powder.
A: (Alundran) And this stuff has really, like, messed up my head...
e & N: (singing) A chemical can never be enough...
>It can make a believable imitation of any being.
N: (Alundran) Of course, it only exists in your head, but hey, that's
cool!
M: I'm impressed that it can make imitations that melt people's heads off.
>Clever is it not."
e: NOT!
>"Huh?" Link said.
A: At least he's following the story better than we are.
>"So you used it on your self?"
N: So... um... it was a fake Alundran... that had a real Ganon inside...
but Ganon... didn't know... so... a real Gan- YAAAAAAAH!!!!
(smoke comes out of NeoVid's ears and he slumps over.)
e: He really has to learn not to think so hard about these things.
(e X ! l e zaps NeoVid back to "normal.")
>"Well, yeah." "How long does it last?" "About 3 hours." "Hmm." Link
>thought.
A: (Link) If I could use that on Zelda, I'd have a mindless copy of her
for three hours...
>"I think that we should search this dungeon for a crystal..." Alundran
>agreed to help Link search.
M: Because it would end the fic faster.
e: (Alundran) Let me get Lycos here... Lycos, go get it!
>The dungeon was dank, smelly, and littered with bones and old ammo.
N: Oh. Nav's room.
(sound of bullets ricocheting off the outside of the theatre door.)
N: e X ! l e , you're supposed to CLOSE the portal after we come in here.
e: Whoops.
>Link caught sight of a strange statue. He came closer to the statue; then
>he realized that it wasn't a statue!
A: Then he shouldn't have told us it was a statue twice already!
>It was a sleeping Dodongo; and the crystal was resting on a small ledge
>above it. Link stepped forward slowly. Suddenly the Dodongo woke up and
>ate the crystal!
All: @_@
N: ...This scene is so weak I can't even come up with a riff for it.
>Link leaped at it with his sword; but the Dodongo was protected by
N: Its bodyguard. She was named Lorena...
>it's thick scales. Alundran picked up a bit of the old ammo tossed a
>barrel of Gunpowder into the Dodongo's mouth.
A: He's tossing around high explosives. So why am I still bored?
The Dodongo swallowed it and started to fume.
e: (Dodongo) Waiter! There's too much hot sauce in my gunpowder!
>In a brilliant flash of green the creature exploded, leaving guts and
>the third crystal on the ground.
N: Whoa, that's really sickening. Cool.
e: WHY did he pick up the old ammo exactly?
M: He's going for the Most Creative Use of the English Language Award.
A: I think he's got a better chance at the Least Creative Use of the
English Language Award.
>Link picked up the crystal and slipped it into the sword.
A: (Link) DAMN, that stings! Ow!
>Suddenly Link and the sword were teleported to the roof.
M: For absolutely no good reason.
>"I didn't think I should let you miss my victory.." Said Ganon.
N: (Link) Duh... thanks for inviting me. So... where're the babes?
> Chapter twelve: (Grand Fin.)
N: So now it's a Free Willy crossover?
> Link glared at Ganon. Suddenly Ganon's body started fading.
M: (Ganon) You have defeated me! I cannot stand before that glare!
>"What is this!" Yelled Ganon.
e: It's bad fanfiction! The only way out is to be killed by Link!
A: It really is better than LIVING through the rest of the fic.
>"Your a temporary host is vanishing Ganon." Said Link.
A: Duh?
e: Huh?
M: Wha?
N: Uh, wait a second. Host? So, Ganon's a Zoot now? @_O Must... not...
think about... fic... why am me... talk like... Bizarro...
>Ganon started changing into a strange shadow reature.
e: Shadow reacher? You know how hard those things are to hold on to.
N: And you've been telling ME to read the words...
>"I am EVIL!
M: We never guessed!
>And I possess the Triforce. You cannot beat me." Yelled Ganon.
e: (monotone) I will crush all you fools. You must die before my mighty
power.
>Link raised his sword and energy started flowing from the handle of the
>sword; transforming the blade into a huge glowing mass of Blue energy.
N: (Link) Now, I will _prove_ your inferiority!
>Ganon glared and said. "What do you intend to do with that, boy?"
e: He's gonna roast marshmallows with it. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA
DO???
A: He's making shiskabob! Of Ganon!
N: You know, if Philip had left the comma out of that sentence, he would
have been talking about Michael Jackson.
>A deafening crash and a single swipe answered the question.
A: (Link) I swiped your copy of Bubblegum Crash! Nyah nyah!
>Link had destroyed Ganon.
All: What an incredible anti-climax!
A: At least Link didn't get to climax either.
>The Triforce floated above the earth waiting. Link touched the Triforce
e: Which wasn't easy since it was in orbit.
N: Fortunately, he still had his sword...
>and suddenly the castle started to crumble.
e: Um, what exactly did Link wish for?
N: Well, he sure wasn't touching it with the wish in his HEART...
>Zelda and the High Councilman arrived to see the castle vanish. All that
>was left was Link, Alundran, and the Triforce. Link held his sword high
>and the Triforce joined with the sword.
A: (Link) Now THIS is a victory celebration!
>"You must make sure that the Triforce stays safe, Link." Said Alundran.
>Link turned toward the rising sun
A: That idiot! It's supposed to be BEHIND him, like with every other
anime style character!
>and said: "This is my destiny, my purpose."
M: To defeat evil with the power of incoherence!
N: To screw up cool poses!
e: And star in bad fanfiction!
A: And never get a date! Because he's a total weirdo!
>Link slowly walked off toward the rising sun.
N: He can't even get that right! You're supposed to ride off into the
sunset!
> Epilogue
N: Or, as e X ! l e would pronounce it, epiloog.
e: Three thousand years and you can't forget that?
> Alundran was restored to his high position.
A: Though he had wanted to try out other positions.
>Link wandered from Hyrule and the surrounding countries;
e: So he wandered from the surrounding countries...? Good thing I already
gave up trying to make sense out of this.
>because of the sword and the Triforce.
N: Those two just couldn't leave each other alone.
>Zelda often tells of his great deeds
M: Which doesn't take long.
>and though Link has grown distant in his travels;
A: And he's just lucky that she hasn't figured out that he's cheating on
her.
>she still remembers him for his courage.
e: What went wrong with her memory?
>The balance has been restored to the right of good;
M: But the left of good is still in bad shape.
>and all is well.
A: For anybody who hasn't read this.
> THE END.
A: Now that's what I've been wanting to see!
They all got up and left the theatre. Fast.
NeoVid had his usual schizophrenic post-MSTing smile. "So, what
did you think of the fic?"
Ataru said, "It was just too easy. He left himself _so_ open for
riffs. Anybody who writes like that really IS asking for it."
"And Marron?"
"Well, it WAS pretty bad. It didn't get interesting until the
very end, and then it was all crammed into two chapters and completely
fell apart. Though it PROBABLY had a good idea (I'm not sure because I
couldn't really follow it at the end there), and definitely isn't the
worst fanfic I've seen. I might try MSTing again sometime."
Ataru interrupted. "There's not a chance that I'M going to! I'd
rather be locked in a room with Lum for a week then have to go through
that again!"
Then they all heard a faint yell of "Darling!"
"I TAKE THAT BACK!" Ataru took off at top speed.
NeoVid watched him run. "Hmm, I don't think I'm going to get
another opinion out of him. I think you're about right, Marron. It got
so smashed together at the end that it could pass for a Koopafic.
e X ! l e , what do you say about it?"
"Well, let me put it this way: some people have a talent for
writing. Others do fanfics. Then again, Philip didn't write this
because he hates everyone, like some authors."
"In other words, Oscar."
"Exactly."
"It is really depressing that the only thing that makes me start
thinking is fanfiction. Even a brain as twisted as mine can get fried by
something like that. And speaking of frying my brain, we have to get to
those Suikoden fics we've got waiting."
Marron spoke up again. "There is one other thing I'll say about
that fic. If there was an award for 'Most MSTable Line,' it would be a
guaranteed winner."
"You got THAT right. I saw at least three lines that I wanted
to use as the stinger."
"Uh, so did I... so what are we gonna use, Vid?"
"We can use two. I'll just put mine second."
>"What do you intend to do with that, boy?"
>"I am your test of wisdom; prepare to die."