BACK TO THE INDEX.
A fan-fiction Screenplay by Philip Andrew Wesley
2000
Rated PG-13
(It's got highly offensive language!)
(Okay.. it's back.. and it's worse.)
All characters mentioned belong to somebody.. don't get insulted. Oh, I hold no bars.. and it doesn't get pretty.
Narrator: "A recent press release from Nintendo has once again called all Nintendo characters into a therapy session. Excess trauma after seeing the "beloved" Howard Lincoln abandon his position at Nintendo of America has caused what appears to be a discord among the group. This meeting was called to cope with this. Our dear friend, and The Great Champion of Love, Ghaleon has been called to moderate the discussion."
Ghaleon: "Now, my dear friends, we are gathered here to give an open forum of your opinions and problems. Please one at a time."
Mario: "Finally, we-a get-a a decent and fair-a moderator."
*Out of nowhere, a purple tentacle drops out of the sky and kills Ghaleon with what looks like a large mallet.*
Tentacle: "HA! No more wussy-ass moderators! That felt good! So good.. I feel like I can..."
*Camera moves in*
Tentacle: "TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!"
Mario: "Oh-a, my god! You-a killed Ghaleon!"
Luigi: "You bastard!"
Kirby: "Huh?"
Chunky Kong: "Well.. we might as well make the best of it.... he scares me."
Donkey Kong: "Wuss."
Tiny Kong: "He's upset because he's got no coconuts."
Lanky Kong: "So, you shoot feathers like a stupid bird."
Kazooie: "I resent that! You drunk monkey!"
Dixie Kong: "No one likes the drunk monkey."
Candy Kong: "Do I look like Jenna Jameson to you?"
*Mario jumps onto the table.*
Mario: "I feel-a like I get-a no respect!"
Luigi: "No respect? You headline all the games!"
Mario: "But my needs-a as a person aren't-a being met."
Tentacle: "What. You want a hug?"
Mario: "Yes! A hug! I-a need-a a hug! Misty?"
Misty: "But.. I don't know you."
Wario: "This discussion sucks. I want to know why Nintendo doesn't give me my own N64 game!"
Peppy: "I thought that was Quest 64?"
Wario: "Damn you."
Pikachu: "Pika!"
Wario: "Damn you too."
*A Jigglypuff jumps up onto the table and opens its mouth to sing.*
Joanna Dark: "Oh no you don't."
*Joanna pulls out a large gun and shoots Jigglypuff into the wall.*
Kirby: "Good! We almost had a lazy writer ending!"
Tentacle: "You all suck anyways. I will kill you all and hold a barbeque."
Sam: "Violent isn't he."
Alice: "Yes.. he is.
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "Oh, Alice."
Alice: "Oh, Sam."
Sam: "My balloons are bigger than yours."
Alice: "Don't go there."
Diglett: "DIG!!"
Tentacle: "Yes. Well, I guess you're popular with the ladies."
Diglett: "DIIGGGG!"
Ronald: "I didn't need to hear that.."
Jesse: "I have abandonment issues.. can we discuss those?"
Mario: "NO! I'm-a the star! I was-a in-a that milk commercial!"
Captain Falcon: "Umm.. Mario.. that wasn't milk."
Mario: "I'm-a gonna be-a sick-a."
Luigi: "He gets sick and they'll probably make a game out of it. He's a Marketing Bitch!"
Mario: "I am-a NOT!"
Navi: "Listen!"
*Link smashes Navi into the table with the Goron Mallet.*
All: "YEAH!"
Tentacle: "We are getting nowhere! Sit down all of you! And watch the ****king language!"
Pikachu: "Pika Pi?"
Tentacle: "Down the hall to the right."
Ash: "I have a confession to make!"
Tentacle: "Okay. Confession is good. If you're Catholic, it keeps from going to Hell right away."
Ash: "I have these feelings about Misty."
Misty: "You too!"
*Misty runs toward Ash as Ash runs toward her. The theme to "A Summer Place" plays and everything goes in slow motion.*
Ash: "Oh, Misty."
Misty: "Oh, Ash."
Ash: "Oh, Misty."
Misty: "Oh, Ash."
Ash: "Oh, Misty."
Misty: "Oh, Ash."
Ash: "Oh, Misty."
Misty: "Oh, Ash."
Tentacle: "Enough already!"
Ash: "I need to tell you something."
Misty: "Speak to me, Ash. Tell how you feel about me."
Ash: "I hate you Misty. You annoy me."
Misty: "Oh. Well.. than I won't show you my Psyduck."
Ash: "Oh. I've already seen your Psyduck. I have the Internet."
Misty: "You.. you... ASH!"
Charizard: CHAR!
Misty: "YOU TOO!"
Tentacle: "Raise your hand if you HAVEN'T seen Misty's Psyduck."
*Tatanga raises his hand.*
Tatanga: "What? We don't even get CABLE in Sarsaland. It sucks."
Daisy: "And that's why I had Mario rescue me from there."
Princess Peach Toadstool: "Who are you?"
Daisy: "I'm Mario's girl!"
Pauline: "No you aren't.. the plumber is mine!"
Wendy O. Koopa: "No way, hussy. The boy is MINE."
Mario: "There's-a plenty of me-a to go around!"
Luigi: "That's because you're a fat-ass. And lose the ****ing accent."
Mario: "I AM NOT!"
Daisy: "Mario, which one of us do you love?"
Princess Peach Toadstool: "Yes. Who makes you cake?"
Wendy O. Koopa: "Forget cake! I'll give him pie!"
Pauline: "You hussy!"
*Big Bertha jumps up out of a puddle in the drinking fountain in the room and lands on Mario swallowing him whole.*
Princess Peach Toadstool: "Well.. that settles it.."
Tracey: "I.. I.. I get aroused watching Pokémon."
Marrill: "MARRRRRRRRRRIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!"
Tentacle: "You're a sick, sick kid and you must die."
*A pink ball of energy descends into the middle of the room. It breaks apart to reveal MEW.*
Mew: "Mew!"
*Samus Aran shoots the Mew with her grappling beam and slams it to the ground.*
Samus: "Oh.. I thought it was Mega Man..."
*A group of squealing kids descend upon the fallen Mew and drag it out of the room.*
Link: "Gotta catch 'em all."(TM)
Tentacle: "Enough! I am angry! I'm the MODERATOR! Throw me a friggin' bone here!"
Tracey: "I liked seeing that Mew."
Tentacle: "That's NOT what I meant!"
Conker: "I'm concerned about my career."
Pit: "What about MY career! I mean.. you're in an M-Rated game! Suckers all over the world are going to buy it because it's M-Rated!!!"
Conker: "You're just jealous, you fairy."
Pit: "I'm an ANGEL! See the wings, the toga, the wreath, and I even have the word PAX tattooed to my butt!"
Luigi faints.
Toad: "Can I see?"
Pit: "NO!!!"
Crash Bandicoot: "I'm looking for Stupid-ass Sequels Anomynous.. is this it?"
*TipTup the Turtle pulls out an Ninja Katana and shoves it through Crash's heart, killing Crash dead.*
TipTup: "Weird.. for a second.. I felt like a sterotype."
Tentacle: "Can you PLEASE refrain from killing each other?"
Joanna Dark: "No."
*Joanna takes out a gun shoots Officer Jenny.*
Brock: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Riqa: "Handy with that gun.. aren't you."
Joanna Dark: "Yup."
Riqa: "Kiss me."(TM)
*Joanna stares into Riqa's eyes. The song "What a girl wants" by Christina Aguilera starts playing. They lean toward each other. Their eyes locked into an almost hypnotic gaze. Their breath starts to grow heavier. Their lips quivering as they grow ever closer. The lights go out for a brief moment and they dissappear from the room.*
Falco: "That was almost interesting."
Star Fox: "Too bad, huh?"
Tracey: "Not as much fun as watching a Pinsir."
Star Fox: "Get HELP, kid. Get help."
Andross: "I had an abusive childhood... can I talk about it?"
Tentacle: "Sure."
Andross: "I was never left alone by the other kids, it was always 'Look! The Monkey! Spank the Monkey!' All the time. They would chase me and beat me down yelling 'SPANK THE MONKEY!! SPANK THE MONKEY!!' It was horrible.. I can still see their eyes and faces.. and those baseball bats. It was horrible.. 'SPANK THE MONKEY!' SPANK THE MONKEY!' Always.... SPANK THE MONKEY! There was no humanity.. they weren't human.. they were evil.. I know this... sniff."
*Ness starts snickering.*
Andross: "Don't laugh at me! Don't call me names.. don't get your pleasure from my pain!! I mean it!! This is hard for me."
Luigi: "Spank the Monkey."
*Andross screams and then huddles into a fetal position on the floor and starts muttering "Spank the Monkey" under his breath.*
Waluigi: "I have come for your head!"
Luigi: "What do you think you're in? A lame SNK game?"
Waluigi: "Well...... I uh.. let me think of another evil announcement taunt. I'll be back."
*Waluigi leaves, trips over the returning Pikachu, gets zapped by Pikachu and gets flung into the air.*
Waluigi: "Looks like Waluigi is blasting off again!"
Saria: "His exit was even dumber than his entrance."
Pikachu: "Pika chu chu chu."
Tentacle: "That's what too so long?"
Pikachu: "Pika Pika Pikachu!"
Mappy: I didn't know his arms could reach..."
Mallow: "I don't think my family loves me."
Frogfucious: "Duh! You whine."
Tentacle: "That's it! You ****ing losers don't want to f**king pay any attention to FORM. It's ONE at a time!"
Yoshi: "YOSHI!"
Ash: "It's a YOSHI! I gotta catch one!"
Yoshi: "Yooooooshi."
Pikachu: "Pikachu!"
Bulbasaur: "Bulba saur saur."
Squirtle: "Squirtle!"
Yoshi: "Yoshi?"
Squirtle: "Squirtle!"
Bulbasaur: "Bulba bulbasaur."
*Yoshi starts crying.*
Pikachu: "Pika."
Yoshi: "Yoshiiiiii..."
Squirtle: "Squirtle?"
Bulbasaur: "Bulba bulba..."
Yoshi: "YOSHI?"
Pikachu: "Pika. Pikachu."
*Yoshi and Pikachu hug each other. Bulbasaur and Squirtle hug each other, and they also start crying.*
Professor Oak: "That was beautiful."
Tracey: "And strangely uplifting."
Misty: "I'm sick of him!"
*Misty grabs Officer Jenny's gun from her corpse and shoots Tracey dead.*
Tentacle: "Great.. we get ONE breakthrough and it's back to the f**king violence..."
*Ghaleon starts to move.*
Tentacle: "What the?"
*Ghaleon stands up, casts "Hell Wave" and sends the Purple Tentacle flying through the wall.*
Ghaeleon: "Not dead-Ghaleon, dear Tentacle, Magic Emperor not-dead-Ghaleon!"
Kirby: "I have an eating problem."
*Marina grabs Kirby.*
Marina: "SHAKE SHAKE!!"
Kirby: "HELP!!!!"
Ghaeleon: "I don't care. I'm leaving. And.. I'm taking the singer with me."
Marin: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Malon: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Venus: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Ghaleon: "Okay.. singers."
*Ghaleon vanishes with the singers.*
Gary: "Hey. The lady vanishes."
Link: "My wallet's missing."
Ash: "Squirtle.. get off my leg."
Narrator: "That is all the time we have for today. Please, everyone.. just go home."
The END.
(Until I make another one.)