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A fan-fiction Screenplay by Philip Andrew Wesley
(By the way.. this was made with MSTers in mind.. eat and enjoy!)
1999 - 2002
Rated R
Narrator: "After appearing in many games; the stars, villians, supporting characters, and even some non-Mario characters have gathered under a neutral flag to talk about their jobs, feelings, and personal opinions. For safety measures, we have hired a peace loving moderator to moderate the debates and discussions. May I introduce the moderator: Kefka from Final Fantasy 6. Bow to the audience, Kefka!"
Kefka: "I want to kill you all and f**k your corpses, especially YOU. Damn yellow rat son of a submariner!"
Pikachu: "Pika?"
Mario: "Hey-a, who invited you-a?"
Celes: "Why am I here? I'm a Square character not some Nintendo/Rare floozy."
Samus: "Floozy? I hope someone drops a chandelier on you. White girl trailer trash with army boots!"
Betsy Lo Vecchio: "Who called?"
Lil' Mac: "I did!"
(Samus shoots a plasma beam at Celes and hits Betsy, frying her into a crisp instantly.)
Samus: "Next up, Christina Gunn!"
Announcer: "Due to people wanting to sue Philip's ass off, the following events did NOT occur, and the following amended sequence has been added to replace the previously offensive to normal people sequence. All non-celebrities have been replaced with kinder, more gentle celebrity names and less offensive dialogue."
Roy: "That's Retarded..."
Marth: "Actually, that would be you..."
Announcer: "And here is the new, much tamer, more family orientated sequence!"
Celes: "Why am the f**k am I f**king here? I'm a f**king Square-f**king character not some f**king Nintendo/Rare-f**king floozy, f**kers!"
Samus: "Floozy, bitch? I bitching hope somebitch bitching drops a bitching chandelierbitch on your bitchself. White bitch girl bitching trailer bitch trash bitch with bitching army bitch boots, bitch!"
Meg Ryan: "Who the s**t called, s**t?"
Lil' Mac: "I did, c**t!"
(Samus shoots a plasma beam at Celes and hits Meg, frying her into a crisp instantly.)
Samus: "Next bitch up, Shakira! Bitching!"
Luigi: "Wow. That was worse than Wand of Gamelon."
Link: "Oh, shut up."
Kefka: "SIT DOWN! ALL OF YOU!!!!"
(Everyone sits down. The Square characters leave. All except for Kefka.. he has to moderate this.)
Kefka: "Okay. Mario... you're the oldest one here. Tell us about your childhood as you remember it."
Mario: "Well, I was born-a when a stork dropped me on-a Yoshi's Island and then-a I had to help-a Yoshi find Luigi."
Yoshi: "Yoshi!"
Mario: "I don't remember that..."
Yoshi: "YO..SHI!"
Mario: "You.. what?
Poochy: "See, I told you that we should have eaten him when we had the chance."
Yoshi: "Yo..."
Translator: "Hello, I'm a Yoshi translator. I will translate Yoshi-speak for you as well as other dialects."
Yoshi: "Yoshi?"
Translator: "Yes, we should have eaten the Mario baby.. but it truly wasn't fat enough then. Now he is plenty fat. We will have our rev..."
(Yoshi eats the translator)
Yoshi: "YOSHI...."
Mario: "Huh?"
Yoshi: "YOSHI! YOSHI!"
Mario: "Hey, I did-a not-a smell like that!"
Yoshi: "Yoshi yoshiiiiiiiii yoooossshi!"
Mario: "That's not funny! I never knew you had pictures!"
Yoshi: "Yoshi."
Mario: "......"
Mario: "Go stick-a your tongue in a blender!"
Donkey Kong: "Hey. I was there too. Mario and I are the oldest. Remember that hit arcade game?"
Mappy: "Mappyland?"
Alice: "No. You idiot squirrel. Balloon Fight!"
Mario: "No. Donkey Kong and I were-a the first mega hit stars! You-a all came later."
Kefka: "Forget the 1980's. They are OVER! They are dead. One more mention of them and I will shove a Bee Gee up your butts!"
Mario: "Okay. I was born and so was Luigi. We live happily in Brooklyn and then I end up in the wrong pipe and get transported to the "Mushroom Kingdom" to fight lard lizard here."
Ash: "Hey.. where did your accent go?"
Mario: "The accent is part of my contract. I'm not in a game right now; so I do not have to talk like a stereotype."
Pikachu: "I too am under said heinous contractual agreement. It is but a trifle matter that attends much disrespect of my high position as a multi-billion dollar spokesperson for Nintendo Company Limited. I, in my most riveting preformances, must resort to saying only my name; whilest that actor named Meowth is bestowed with the honour of not only possessing his name as a key signiture line; but several other discourses as well. This is the bane of my existence and I beseech thee to have a gracious pitance on my lowly affair of business."
(Ash faints.)
Pikachu: "Pika."
Pit the Kid Icarus: "Why don't I have a new game?"
Mario: "HEY! We are talking about me! Me, dammit! Not Pit!"
Luigi: "Why do we always have to talk about you? I want to let my true opinon on the matter be known too!"
Mario: "I hate you luigi. You're skinny and queer. That's why you are not in as many games."
Luigi: "Fat-ass."
King Hippo: "Hey.. that's not nice."
Luigi: "Not you, fat-ass."
Kefka: "This will get us nowhere!"
Samus: "I want to know why I am not in as many games as that Lara Croft pigeon. I'm a better role-model for everyone and the only silicon here is in my plasma gun."
Alice: "Yeah, I demand equal rights too!"
Princess Peach: "Yeah. I hate being kidnapped."
Wario: "Wa ha ha. So many girls... it's sickening."
Captain Syrup: "Wario.. why are you always beating me up? Don't you like girls?"
Riqa: "Careful... she seems to be possessed by Psycho Mantis!"
(Falco takes out a gun and shoots Captain Syrup. Joanna Dark leaps from the rafters of the meeting lodge and sidearms Falco to the ground.)
Slippy: "I understand what Wario means."
Kefka: "Finally some progress."
Wario: "You do?"
Slippy: "Yes. Like you I have been living surpressed. Trying to deny my true nature. I felt a burning pain inside and I am ready to express it."
Toad: "Hey! You feel it too, Slippy?"
Slippy: "Yes. I must come clean."
Toad: "Do tell!"
Slippy: "I am... I am.. I.. am.."
Kirby: "BATMAN!"
Wario: "Kirby!"
Kirby: "I couldn't resist. Go on Slippy."
Slippy: "I love Link in a sexual way. His green tunic and those tights.. ooh! What a turn on! He can hookshot me anyday."
(Link moves toward the door very slowly to avoid detection..)
Slippy: "I love him! I truly do!"
Toad: "Oh, Slippy. Forget about him! I can fulfill your needs!"
Wario: "Umm... yuck."
(Slippy and Toad jump into each others arms and fall on the floor and end up under the table.)
Mario: "What about me?"
Wario: "You're gay too?"
Mario: "No."
Luigi: "Mario wears a corset."
Mario: "It's a lumbar support strap!"
Kefka: "You have back problems?"
Princess Peach: "That isn't the only problem he has...."
Mario: "Shhhh!"
Luigi: "Mario used to have Narcolepsy. He could barely get up in the morning, he was so tired."
Princess Peach: "That isn't the only thing that he couldn't get up..."
Luigi: "Too much information! I'm going to puke!"
(Mario sneaks off to the side of the room and stands next to Glass Joe and a Magikarp. He tries to avoid the stares of the crowd.)
Saria: "Can I be in another Legend of Zelda game?"
Zelda: "No."
Saria: "Who asked you?"
Zelda: "It has MY name on the cover! I'm the star of the game."
Captain N: "Can I have my own game? That loser Nester got his own game."
Nester: "It was a BOWLING game for crying out loud!!!"
Hester: "I liked it!"
Kefka: "Shut up! All of you. One at a time.. or I will cast Fallen One!"
Cloud: "What's that?"
Donkey Kong: "Hey... you're not a Nintendo system character.."
(Kefka casts Fallen One on Cloud then follows it up with Grand Train. Cloud slumps over dead.)
Kefka: "Bastard wannabe Final Fantasy game character. You see.. Mog could have survived that."
Pikachu: "Pika."
Kefka: "Oh, you want to say something."
Pikachu: "Pika Pi Pikachu!"
Kirby: "I didn't know you had a drug problem."
Pikachu: "Pika."
Ness: "Wow. I always thought that Methanphetamine and heroin would counteract each other. I'll have to tell Poo."
Poo: "Why do I have to have the dumbest American name?"
King Deedeedee: "My name is stupid too!"
Gannondorf Dragmire: "My name sounds like a freaking disease."
Zelda: "You are a disease."
Gannondorf Dragmire: "Well, your name sounds like a vegetable."
Wart: "Vegetable? Where! Get it away from me!"
Oddish: "Oddish!"
(Oddish jumps up at Wart and Wart falls over dead.)
Birdo: "I have a question. In the NES game Super Mario Bros. 2, I'm listed as a he that likes to dress up like a girl. But in every game since, I'm listed as a girl. Being a pink dinosaur that shoots egg snot is one thing; but because of my curious lack of sexual organs, I feel I am obviously being given a disservice by being listed as female. Despite my very manly nose, and lack of mammary glands..."
Spit-Ball Sparky: "I'm also an adrogeny! When will Nintendo do me the honor of giving me a set gender! Such a thing is a terrible travesty on gender balance!"
Birdo: "I wouldn't mind being refered to as female.. if I at least had some boobs. That's all I ask for... I'd trade my egg snot for boobs anyday."
Candy: "I'm so happy, I'm endowed."
Dixie: "There's more silicon there, than in the N64."
Candy: "Yeah right, washboard wench!"
Saria: "I don't look it, but I'm a C cup."
Berri: "Duct tape?"
Orchid: "I'm a D!"
Iago: "Actually, you just forgot to take the tissues out of the box is all, I know. I've knocked you back with my Tiger Spirit enough to know."
Diddy: "Isn't she like your sister, dude?"
Iago: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My Sex life is a LIE!!!!!!!!"
Captain Falcon: "Actually, that would be my racing skills."
Medusa: "How come I'm only in one game? Mother Brain is in two of them and I look better!"
Mother Brain: "Once I get some new legs.. I'm going to go over there and kill you."
Gruntilda: "I'm the fairest villian here. I'm also the best from year to year."
Bowser: "You are NOT the best villian!"
Master Hand: "Don't make me pimp slap you!"
King Krool: "I'm the best villan!"
The Nightmares: "You're just a fat-ass, King Krool!"
Kefka: "I'm an excellently evil villian."
Bowser: "Shut your pie-hole!"
Luigi: "Forget them. I want a starring role in a video game. I want a Super Luigi Bros. game."
(Mario hops up on to the table.)
Luigi: "I am NOT a freaking Eternal Understudy!"
Mario: "Well, people like me better!"
Luigi: "They hate you. You scream like a girl."
Mario: "Well, you're GREEN!"
Luigi: "You smell like GARLIC.. you ITALIAN STEREOTYPE!!!!"
Mario: "Well, you watch Richard Simmons!"
Luigi: "Only because YOU tape it every day!"
(Kirby jumps up to the table and swallows Luigi.)
Luigi: "HMRPRH MMPPHH!"
Conker: "I'm new.. I want to talk about my problems."
Kefka: "Go ahead."
Conker: "Well, it all started years ago; when Diddy Kong stuffed me in a barrel and slid me down that hill and into the river..."
Diddy: "I object!"
Kefka: "Over-ruled.. do I look like Judge Judy to you, dammit?"
Dammit: "I was never a Nintendo character..."
Conker: "Then.. in High School.. I was tormented by an Acorn with a goatee. He would take my lunch money and call me "Nut Boy". Then... around my late teens; around 17 or 18.. I don't remember.. I started getting into Gothic lifestyles. Yes.. I had my David Cassidy Shrine... my Nixon Voodoo dolls.. my old Pat Boon Albums... I was purely a cultist. I went around with my black trenchcoats and a Cowboy Hat. Then one day.. I was reciting the Mantra to summon my new friend "Mephistophillias". So I sold my soul to "Mephistophillias" for a chance to star in a video game by myself. Mephistophillias took on the form of Berri. And we have been happily evil ever since then."
Kiddy Kong: "I am the baby of Rosemary Kong.. if this counts?"
Kefka: "I would be afraid.. but I am sickly fascinated."
Waddle Dee: "I too have a long history of Satanic Activity; I also experiment with drugs too. I am sick and I want help."
Kefka: "Umm. If you pay me.. I'll give you advice."
Kazooie: "Why am I stuffed in that stinky backpack?
Banjo: "Because you are a sidekick!"
Mario: "Hey.. Luigi.. they have the right idea!"
Luigi: "Mrrpphher!"
Kefka: "Well... did all your problems get solved?"
ALL: NO!
Kefka: "That will be $138,000,345,647,003.96 please."
THE END.
(Until I make another one.)