BACK TO THE INDEX.
DON'T PANIC.
-By Philip Wesley-
-Posted August 25, 2005-
-Like a super intelligent shade of blue, except orange.-
CHAPTER FIVE
"Cosplay, Self-Respect, and Everything We Should Not Be Seeing."
AKA
"For God's Sake: Put On Some Real Clothes."

There are many differences between anime conventions and real life. In real life, wearing a costume consisting entirely of cotton balls would garner you a public indecency charge or attention that you would honestly feel you were better off not receiving. There are also a lot of differences between anime conventions like A-Kon and video game expositions like E3. Because of the odd differences, this chapter and the next will focus on the basics of an anime convention like A-Kon as well as a few rules for Cosplay and anime convention participation.

The first note-worthy item of note that you should note is that registration at A-Kon is just as awful as registration at E3. The good news is that A-Kon lines are divided by the first letters of the last name that your parents -bless their soul- have forced upon you; unless you have changed that last name by wedding someone, or being a hippie. Neither of those is said to be a good idea. While the lines may seem long at A-Kon, they move fairly quickly and there are usually a few over-eager people who have already struggled into their Cosplay items as a means of showing off, or just out of pure boredom. So there will be many sights to amuse you, many of which will either make you feel awkward, aroused, or superior to the person that you are viewing. Cosplay at E3 consists of the lowest forms of humanity dressing up in normal clothes to pretend that they are, indeed, a worthwhile part of the human race. Many an on-looker agrees that they have all failed miserably.

Once you have settled through registration at A-Kon, you may have noticed that A-Kon takes place in a convention center that is close to a hotel. So close, in fact, that the two buildings have meshed together in an awkward, and not at all sexual, manner. Because of this, there are many things to realize.
  1. The Hotel Staff hates you and wants you to die. Thus, you would be advised to avoid them and let them scurry on with their jobs. Most of which involves passing around Green Cards, sleeping, smoking breaks, taking items from hotel rooms, and other needs that society at large will not benefit from.
  2. There are people who are not there for the convention and would appreciate you showing some form of manners. In simple terms, submerge yourself in water and soap at least a few times during this convention. Also, keep in mind that 3am may be an inappropriate time to blast out "The Best of Megumi Hayashibara" on your portable stereo system. Not everyone appreciates the opening theme to "Blue Seed" that early in the morning.
  3. The Elevators will be crowded many times during the weekend and going down 40 flights of stairs is not a good idea. Please be patient, we apologize for the inconvenience. Due to elevator crowding, make sure to pack extra towels to hide under if you should decide that the elevator is a good place to be intimate with your significant other/stranger you met during registration/left hand.
  4. People will be tired and/or slightly drunk during the evenings. Use this to your advantage. Drunk people usually have organs, money, clothing, chastity, or other merchandise that may be sold to your sober advantage.
  5. The convention is open 24 hours a day, but you should find the time to submerge your naked body in water and soap at some point in time during each 24 hour period. Please note that the hotel pool is a bad place to do this.
There are several terms that must be memorized for the sake of memorization. In order to aid in the memorization of these memorable terms that must be memorized, the following bits of this article are a bit of a glossary for those who need such a glossary. The entries in this glossary are unorganized to irritate people who believe such things should be organized.
A-Kon Glossary

Anime: (Pronounced AH-NEE-MEE, ANN-EE-MAY, AHN-EYE-ME, ANN-ON-ME, AH-NEE-MA, NO-ONE-CARES.) This is a term given to animation that comes from Japan. If you do not know this, please re-evaluate why you are going to A-Kon. Then kill yourself quickly. May we suggest the use of a large book. Most dictionaries or copies of the Bible are thick enough to kill with repeated trauma to the head. If this is not enough to work, find a large bowling ball. Bowling balls are used for the spheroid abuse game called Bowling and are quite heavy. Repeatedly hitting yourself in the face with said ball may be enough to kill you and the ball may derive a sense of satisfaction from finally being on the giving end of the abuse for once.

Manga: Manga (MAN-GAH, MOHN-GA, etc.) This is a term given to Japanese comic books. The difference between American and Japanese comic books is that Japanese comics are read backwards, and contain more nudity.

AMV: (EY-M-VEE) An AMV is an acronym for Anime Music Videos. These are created by people with lots of free time and no real purpose to their lives. Most AMVs are made by using fancy computer programs to rip copyrighted material from a DVD. Then using said fancy computer programs to splice that copyrighted material with other copyrighted material ripped from a CD. Essentially, an AMV is the act of jumbling together copyrighted material and calling it original art. The Powers That Be have declared that an eneffable 50% of all AMVs must feature scenes from Dragon Ball Z or a "rap metal" song. The Powers That Be are not known for having particularly good taste, as the success of Elton John has shown.

Manwha: (MAHN-WAA) The term given to "Manga" from Korea or China. The "WA" sound is to denote that it is like Manga; but worse because it is from other (read: better) parts of Asia.

DDR: (DEE-DEE-AR) This is the name of a video game where you stand on a large cross and flail your arms and legs around like an idiot in hopes of earning points. Not to be confused with Crucifixion where you flail your arms and legs around on a large cross in hopes of saving all humanity from their own idiocy. This video game is best enjoyed as a spectator, not a participant.

Yaoi: (YOW-E) The term given to a genre of anime which features men in romantic relationships with other men. Kind of like watching C-Span, but with more gay sex.

Yuri: (YOUR-E) The term given to a genre of anime which features women in romantic relationships with other women. Kind of like watching Lifetime, but all the women are actually female.

Hentai: (HEN-TIE) The term given to a genre of anime that not only borderlines pornography, it is pornography. Kind of like watching the Discovery Channel, but with worse dialogue.

Gatchapon: (GAHT-CHA-POHN) The term given for cheap crap bought in vending machines in Japan for about a dollar and then resold to people for eight times that price in America.

Cosplay: (CAWS-PLAY) The term given to the act of dressing up in costumes based on characters from anime/manga/video games that you like. The term "cosplay" comes from the combination of "costume" and "Play." Costume Play in Japan is usually something that prostitutes do to attract perverted Macross fans who would never get laid otherwise. The words are combined to make people feel better about it.

Furry: (FEREE) The term given to people who dress up as specific animals for reasons known mostly to them and various psychologists. There are many levels of "furry" people and they range from cute to creepy. Furries may be people who simply enjoy wearing bunny ears, cat ears, or painted on whiskers because it makes them look cute. Furries also run the gamut to more disturbing people who physically have surgery to add cat-like incisors, distorted noses and ears, etc. Most "furry" fans start out having a crush on Sonic the Hedgehog, Lola Bunny, or other anthropomorphic characters. A subdivision of Furries are people who dress in complete animals suits. These people are called "Plushies" and can be seen stalking the halls of all major campuses and high schools in America. You have been warned.

Pocky: (PAH-KEY) The term given to thin sticks of bread usually dipped in flavored icing or chocolate. These confections have the same addictability of crack and can be used in just the same way. Thus the term "Pocky-Whore" has made its way into the vernacular of those in the know.

J: (JAY) This letter is auspiciously added to any form of music to denote that it originates from Japan. J-Pop, J-Rap, and J-Rock are the most commonly known usage of the word. Many experts on the subject agree that saying something is J-Jazz or J-Indie will make you look like a J-Jerk.

Japlish: (JAA-PLESH) A combination of English and Japanese usually spoken by convention attendees with a firm grasp of neither.

GLOMP: (GLAWMP) The term for the act of running and jumping at a person in order to hug them with the intention of knocking them over. A bit like tackling someone in the American semi-spheroid abuse game of "Football." Best done without restricting clothing in the privacy of a hotel room. Considered to be rather dangerous to do on stairs or near railings. The act of glomping can be hazardous to walls and doors.

Kawaii: (KAH-WHY-EE) Supposedly, the Japanese term for something that is cute or cuddly. Usually uttered by overly-hyper females at conventions in an effort to make them seem a little more "Japanese." The term "Japanese" meaning "damn stupid" in this instance.
Now that we have gone over some of the terminology, the main purpose of this article is to place down some guidelines for Cosplayers at anime conventions like A-Kon. Thus, an expert has been consulted on the manners of Cosplay for this section of this chapter. That expert shall be myself because I honestly can not afford to buy an expert on the manners of Cosplay. Nor, it has been agreed, would I want to even see an expert on the manners of Cosplay. Thus, I have laid down The Five Commandments Of Cosplay.
THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF GOOD COSPLAY!
(With New English Translation, afterwards.)
  1. Thou Shalt Be Reasonable. If thusly, thy body shape doth not match said cosplay intentions, it wouldst be of reasonable device to therefore abandon ye intent.
  2. Thou Shalt Be Modest. Shouldst thou chose forsuch as to make a spectacle of yon nether regions, thusly shalt thou be expected of matching behavior. If thusly, false advertisement of said behavior ist not yon intent, abandon ye cosplay intentions. False pretense is nary polite nor proper.
  3. Thou Shalt Consider Thy Ancestors. If her that hath brought ye unto this world is of an unlike mind, abandon ye cosplay intentions.
  4. Thou Shalt Consider Thy Source. If said cosplay intention be descended of thy own ambitions and not of thy source material. Consider the abandonment of thy intentions.
  5. Thou Shalt Consider Thy Gender And Stature. If ye be of one gender denotation, refrain thyself from thusly appearing as thus opposite denotation.
(New English Translation)
  1. Think about it, no one needs another 400 pound Sailor Moon.
  2. If you are going to dress like a slut, do not be surprised if we accuse you of false advertising.
  3. What does your mother think of your outfit?
  4. If you made up your character and it is not established, please go kill yourself. No one cares about your Harry Potter fan fiction, nor do we care that you want to dress up as your fan fiction character. In fact, we think you suck.
  5. We do not need (damn ugly) men dressing up as women or vice versa, because that is neither sexy nor right. DO NOT DO IT!
These rules have been sanitized for your protection. This should be enough to survive at an anime convention and still have a reasonable amount of enjoyment. If such enjoyment is within a reasonable amount of your obtaining said reasonable amount of enjoyment. The next and probably final chapter will cover the way you should spend your day in both types of conventions, including tips on obtaining free items from people.
Article by Philip Wesley
The DON'T PANIC series of articles are an homage to the fashionably late (and unfashionably dead) Douglas Adams.
Property of DMG Ice, dmgice.com, and the unfashionably original author as expressed in the by-line.