BACK TO THE INDEX.
DON'T PANIC.
-By Philip Wesley-
-Posted May 28, 2005-
-Like a super intelligent shade of blue, except orange.-
CHAPTER FOUR
"Finding Food"
AKA
"The In N' Out At The End Of The Drive"

It has long been observed that going to any major convention, such as E3 or A-Kon, involves a lot of walking from here to there, as well as from there to here. Many times, the aforementioned walking from there to here and here to there is accompanied by the carrying of this and that, or that and this. Carrying such items can cause the carrier to become a bit fatigued with the whole process of carrying this and that from here to there. Fatigue also accompanies carrying that and this from there to here. Why a person decides to go from there to here and here to there usually depends on how there or here is situated and what or who may be located there or here to pique their interest. The idea of if, when, and how are best left to those people who are too busy thinking of ways to go about obstructing the moving process and thus they stay still. Those standing still should be ignored forthwith.

Because of the process of moving, many convention goers find themselves to be tired or hungry at some point between here to there or there to here. This article is about finding food for as cheaply as possible at E3 or A-Kon. Finding food is easier or harder depending on how you are classified at these events. Press and Exhibitors have access to complimentary meals or areas where more snacks and beverages may be available to them than would be available to the general attendees at E3. So, this guide is not particularly aimed at them. Most of what you will find in this guide are completely or mostly free food gathering ideas.

The human body can go about seven days straight without food, E3 is a total of about three to five straight days and A-Kon is about three straight days. Please remember to consider the possibilities of devoting yourself to a ritual fast. The human body can go about three straight days without water, but we highly recommend that you never do that. Water is extremely plentiful at A-Kon or E3, as long as you have a cup. The tap water in Los Angeles and Dallas may taste a bit off, but you will be fine if you drink it. You can use your essential items to build a water cup, or ask for a cup of ice at a food establishment. More often than not, you will be handed a cup full of ice. Chewing or sucking on ice is a good way to stay hydrated. Sucking on ice can also help with a headache ailment. Important things to note are the simple facts that your body needs certain types of nutrients and minerals. There is no shame in mixing salt, sugar, or half and half dairy creamer into your cup of water and drinking it down to keep your blood sugar, sodium, and protein/calcium levels up. If there was shame associated with such an act, it is best to think of it in the proper perspective: If you do not eat or drink, than you DIE. Dying would be an especially unpleasant thing to do at a convention, as people will eventually have to dispose of your body and it may be a great inconvenience to them. So, do not do that.

If money is low and you feel you will be hungry often, avoid drinking alcohol, or eating very salty foods. At E3, the best places to go and check out are the small meeting areas near West Hall. The companies that have their own rooms away from the major halls such as Kentia, West, and South, or slightly closed booths will most likely carry water. Asking politely has a 90% chance of getting you some bottled water, fresh fruit, and/or a sandwich. Asking rudely or demanding water has a 70% chance of someone telling you to leave quickly. Thus it is counter productive to be mean or rude to people in the search for food. Sometimes, people may buy a large meal and sitting down and talking to them may get them to share it with you. The food courts do not sell particularly large portions, but if you sit down with a member of the opposite sex and begin a conversation: you raise the chances of getting some free food and a new friend. Remember to always carry the essentials. The best way to do this is to ask kindly and maintain eye contact. Maintaining eye contact while slowly removing their french fries is the best strategy. This same principle applies to clothing, but the purpose of this article is to focus on food. Some booths have candy, pocket that into your bag and remember to share it with people. Candy is not particularly nutritious and eating it is counter productive toward nutritional and dental health. However, it is an excellent bargaining tool for netting information or larger bits of food and drink.

Stationed at most of the booths are attractive females (and sometimes males) commonly referred to as "Booth Babes." These people are paid to stand around in mostly uncomfortable articles of clothing, passing out items or just looking good. These people are generally starving and usually unable to go and pick up neat bits of swag from other booths. This is why it is important to pick up several pieces of the same swag or of candy. Doing so may net you new friends and lunch buddies who may chip in for half a meal if you are nice enough. The truth is that being nice and generous is a good thing sometimes. Other times, it is okay to be a bit more aggressive. The point in this article is to acquire food. Some religions believe that good or bad deeds net good or bad results further on in sets of seven or three. Since no one working on this guide is currently mostly dead or completely dead: Comments on religion are unfounded.

Food acquisition is a bit tougher at A-Kon as A-Kon usually takes place in a hotel. While it is possible to survive on Pocky, you should not do so. Pocky is an oddly named snack made of a thin cracker stick covered in chocolate, strawberry, or any other manner of flavored cream. Some convention retailers charge up to $3 for the small boxes of these confections. Consider buying them at Wal-Mart for $1 a box or so instead. Also consider bringing food from home to A-Kon. This is ALWAYS a good idea. Being prepared is better than being hungry. Since A-Kon takes place inside of a hotel, remember that hotels have ice machines. Procure the use of a cup at some point in time and you will be fine. Mixing sugar or salt on top of ice cubes is almost enough to ensure proper nutrients. All the conferences will most likely have water available for all convention goers, as well as cups. Since there are a lot of lines to wait in at A-Kon, bringing a canteen or flask is never a bad idea. The hotel is also within walking distance of a mall where terrible food may be procured cheaply. If you are willing to trek further, there are gas stations, and grocery stores available.

Homeless shelters will feed you and very often, they do not require you to check in or do something else to that nature. A church has a 90% probability of having a kitchen. Rest assured that God will forgive you if you raid the kitchen at a chapel. A quick word of advice: Remember to say "Grace." Thankfully, God (or whatever celestial being you ascribe to) has seen fit to allow the growth of dandelions. Dandelions are the most versatile plants this side of wheat and tobacco.

If you have ever eaten a salad at McDonalds, or a salad with darker leaves in it, than you already have a good idea on how Dandelions taste. Because of the nature of Dallas, Texas; washing the dandelions thoroughly would be an extremely good idea. Gather the dandelions whole. You want the roots, and the yellow flower bud. The most delicious part would be the leaves. Separate the flower bud and roots away from the leaves. Collect the leaves and rinse them thoroughly. They can be consumed forthwith after washing them. I suggest getting salad dressing from any of the nearby fast food restaurants. Wash the roots of the plant thoroughly. These can be boiled, or cooked and eaten with butter and salt like you would potatoes. The roots can also be dried, grounded, and -using boiling water and an edge of your towel as a strainer- made into a coffee substitute. The buds can be pressed and boiled, then processed into a fine wine. The entire plant can be processed into beer.

There is a virtue to the eating of insects. Kill carefully, boil or fry, consume. That is really all you want me to say on that subject.

Those with good money reserves may enjoy many excellent food opportunities in Los Angeles. In N' Out Burger is excellent, Del Taco is superb, and there will always be other types of restaurants to appease you. If you are at an In N' Out, remember to order your food ANIMAL STYLE. This is very important to remember as it assures the largest portion at the lowest price. In Dallas, Texas there are restaurants in short walking distance of the convention.
There are five essential things to remember when gathering food.
  1. Water is your highest priority.
  2. Taste is not your highest priority.
  3. Both Jesus and Buddha wandered from place to place eating other people's food. So, you are NOT above it.
  4. Share and share alike.
  5. If you close your eyes, it may taste better.
Article by Philip Wesley
The DON'T PANIC series of articles are an homage to the late (and unfashionably dead) Douglas Adams.
Property of DMG Ice, dmgice.com, and the original author as expressed in the by-line.