BACK TO THE INDEX.
-By Philip Wesley-
-Posted May 14th, 2005-
-Like a super intelligent shade of blue, except orange.-
CHAPTER TWO
"What To Bring And Why You Brought It."
Many people believe that bringing things with them where ever they go is very important. In a way, they are absolutely right. What to bring with them is very hotly contested though. There are 5 essential things to bring to a convention like E3 or A-Kon, and each of those 5 essential items has many various uses in and of themselves. There is also a list of items you should not bring, but since the list of items you should not bring is 30,000 times the size of the list of items you should bring: The focus of this article is only on items of absolute value that require you bringing them. The term "absolute value" is, as some have noted dully, subjective to the person using it. Many of the items here in this list are perfectly essential, but absolute value is determined by user of said device or item. Absolute value is not to be confused with absolute values, which large religious institutions try to set into the minds of their followers to varied success. Most of the time, they try to set rules such as: "Do not Murder," "Murdering is only okay in some instances on Thursdays," and "Please Murder someone now." Absolute Values seem to be important to those who ascribe to them; but those being murdered seem to think of Absolute Values in slightly less reverent thoughts. Many people have claimed to know Absolute Values, and many more have claimed to be selling them. Sadly, those who really do seem to know Absolute Values end up either ridiculed or nailed to things. This guide makes no claim to know Absolute Values, because being nailed to things hurts rather badly. Sometimes being nailed to something causes bleeding. Bleeding on things other than yourself is rather rude and should be avoided. The best way to avoid bleeding on things other than yourself is to wrap your wound in a towel. This brings us to the very first item that it is important for you to bring with you.
A Towel - A towel is about the most massively useful thing a convention goer can have. This is especially true at conventions like A-Kon or E3. You hardly ever see them at Star Trek/Star Wars or Comic Book/Baseball Card conventions. One has to think that maybe Anikan would not have gone to The Dark Side of the Force if he had just had a towel to tell all his fears and secrets to. One also has to think that the other Jedi would not have been slaughtered if they had just understood the wisdom of taking a towel and wrapping it tightly around ones hands to avoid dropping their light sabers. If they had towels with them, they could have used The Force in conjunction with the towels to create diversions and blind their Sith foes. If Spock had a towel, he could have torn it in half and used Semaphore to signal other people and searching for him would have taken a lot less time. Oddly, Vulcans are supposed to be smart, yet the simple logical wisdom of carrying a towel escapes them. In a way, you would think that our pointy ear friends are only saying they are smart and logical to hide a vast amount of sheer ignorance. Just like a lot of Star Trek fans, oddly enough. That said, a towel is an incredibly useful item to have. One thing to note about E3 is that there will be lots of games to try out and lots of controllers to touch and interact with. A lot of people may not share the same strict adherence to hygiene that you do, so it is important to use a towel to wipe down that PS3 or Xbox 360 controller before you place your hands upon it. This eliminates several kinds of germs and wipes away nasty sweat left by the previous controllers users. Combine this with a small can of phone sanitation spray and you have an immaculate gaming experience.
Another extremely good use for a towel comes in the form of complementing the bags that are handed out at E3. These bags are notoriously known for being weak and badly designed. Placing a towel at the bottom of the bag may save it from ripping too quickly. Placing a towel on top of the bag will help keep greedy people from reaching into your bag and grabbing your swag. Swag is slang for the free items of questionable value that may be acquired at conventions. Some beverage companies, most notably Mountain Dew and Bawls, hand out containers of their carbonated beverages at E3. Bawls comes in glass bottles and wrapping the glass bottles in your towel keeps them from breaking inside of your bag. This prevents your Bawls from spilling into you bag and making your swag sopping wet. This prevents embarrassing situations like this one:
"Sir, you're leaving puddles on the floor."
"Yeah. My Bawls are leaking."
As you can see, a towel is a social life saver.If you find yourself in one of the many extremely long queues (lines) at E3 or A-Kon, take out your towel and place it on the floor. Sit down on the towel and relax. You can also take both ends of the towel, firmly in your grasp and then bind the towel over the head of whoever is in front of you and hold it there until they pass out. Once they pass out, step over them and repeat with the next person. This is not the best idea though, as security at conventions usually frowns on assault. Just because you can do something, does not mean you may do that particular something. If you find yourself having to walk in the hot sun in Los Angeles or Dallas, use your towel as a head covering or shade. If you should run into a member of the Associated Press or G4, carefully lift the towel over your face. The Associated Press will think you are some sort of terrorist and thus want to buy you drinks, fast cars, or expensive meals. Anyone from G4 will automatically assume that since you can not see them, they can not see you. Thus you will have spared yourself from actually having to talk to them. One thing that has saddened many people is that alcohol may not leave certain areas of E3 and A-Kon. To rectify this, buy your alcohol and drink it happily. When you have only a little left, wad up part of your towel and pour the drink onto your towel. The towel will absorb the liquid and when you feel your slight buzz disappearing, just bring the towel up to your lips and suck on the section of the towel that has become inebriated with the alcohol.
Many a Japanese anime has an episode known as an Onsen Episode. Onsens are Japanese Hot Springs. If you feel that you must cosplay and have no idea what to wear, just wrap your towel around your naked body, do something weird with your hair, and you are set. We suggest nabbing safety pins to keep your towel upon your body. Wrap the towel tightly so nothing naughty shows up. Although it would probably be a good idea to wear UNDER GARMENTS with this costume idea. If you chose not to wear undergarments with this cosplay idea, please refrain from playing Dance Dance Revolution. There are many, many more uses for a towel, including the capture of small rodents, drying yourself, or placing it on top of your lap and the lap of another person if you wish to pass them large amounts of money without the other people on the bus noticing.
Business Cards - Business Cards have a ton of understated uses that are too numerous to name them all at once. Most of the time, a business card is a thin cardboard slip with a persons name, trade, and some other personal information on them. Many companies at E3 use the cards in drawings and lotteries to win many nice items ranging from Plasma Televisions, iPod Shuffles, or T-Shirts. When someone is struck by inspiration, the blank part of a business card may be written upon. There exist plastic or hard edged business cards that may be used as a means of self defense. In order to use a business card to defend yourself in a fight, take the card and hold it straight. Jam the card into the eye or throat of the attacker. If the card is plastic, then aim for the area above the lips, but below the nose. If you wish to pass your phone, cell, or hotel number to a person of interest, write it down on the back of your business card when you hand it to them. Excess business cards from people whom you do not wish to contact, may be used as fire starting tinder with which you may build small fires to keep yourself warm. Hard plastic business cards may also be used to open up some locks.
Business Cards are great to have for the purpose of hygiene. Hard edged cards are great for adjusting the cuticles on your fingers. Soft edged ones are great for removing dirt from your nails. If there is no bar soap, place a business card under a liquid soap dispenser, place a few drops onto the card, rub another business card against it and then place both business cards gently under some warm water. This creates a quick replacement for bar soap. Placing toothpaste on a card board card allows you to use it like a toothbrush. The edges of a business card may also be used as a makeshift toothpick. If you have several cards that you have no intent of ever calling on, keep them with you. When you are at the mall and it appears that there are no pieces of proper papers with which to tidy ones self after using the lavatory facilities: Reach into your wallet and thank whoever the card is from for what you are about to do. It is best to say a little prayer of gratitude such as this: "Oh, thank you Craig Harris, your Office Depot printed cards are posh indeed." If this sounds like too much of a horrible thing to do, just keep the white paper specifications that Microsoft and Sony will be providing this year for the Xbox 360 and the Play Station 3. That may be the only enjoyment you receive from their products.
The small nature of the business card is perfect for those fits of boredom where you can create a little game with them. First roll up up your towel and place it into a bit of a circle. Stand or sit back and gently flick the business cards into the circle. Try to see how many you can land into it perfectly. If you find yourself stressed out, write the cause of your frustration onto a business card and then flush/burn/eat/stomp on/defile that card. This provides all sorts of stress relief. On the nature of cards, eating paper will not harm you as will eating paper covered with some inks. Business Cards are most likely not high in any form of protein, but if you put salt and ketchup on them, they may taste good. Another interesting game to play with two people is to write the numbers zero through nine on the back of ten business cards. Shuffle the cards and distribute half of them to the other player. Each person picks up their five cards and then places a card number side down in front of them. The cards are then turned over. The person with the higher card wins and the other person must remove an article of clothing. How this game ends is entirely up to the players. The utility of business cards has no end. Carry a business card with you into a mall and go to the cologne or perfume counter. Thoroughly soak the card in the spray and place this into your pocket. Placing cards like this near the vents of your air conditioner in your car may make your vehicle smell very pleasent.
A Pen - The first and foremost use of a Pen is for writing. You may use it to write on your business cards, your towel, your own flesh, other peoples flesh, and many other surfaces. A pen is a long slender object with one end that writes and one end that does not write. If one of the ends is slightly pointed, it may be used to break the seals on boxes or puncture the skin of an assailant. Pens may be thrown for endless entertainment value as well as used as a nervous substitute for smoking and chewing gum. Just place the non-writing end in your mouth like a cigarette and let it stay there. You will suddenly look very thoughtful and people will want to get to know you better. Pens are useful for prying some things, and the best part of a pen is that if you lose your pen, someone will always have one with them at conventions like E3. Companies hand out pens as if they were some kind of candy. Pens are not some kind of candy and we suggest that you do not try to consume one. If a pen is long enough, it may be used as a replacement stir for tea or coffee beverages. The inside of many pens contains a small tube of ink. Breaking this tube spills ink all over the place. This form of marking may be a good way to differentiate your attacker. Some pens contain small spring devices. These springs can be taken out and bent into lock picks, paper clips, hair holding devices, and other such items.
A Bottle Opener - Bottle Openers come in many shapes and forms. One of the simplest forms is just for opening bottles of Coca Cola. This kind is flat and sharp. A bottle opener is useful for many other things. It's a great extension to ones hand when they need to scratch their back and it may also be used to promote dental well being. The tip may be used as a screwdriver or a staple remover. At E3, a bottle opener is best used to open bottles of champagne, removing paint, and more. Self defense with a small bottle opener is a fairly brainless concept. Since we are unsure of the amount of brains that you may or may not have; the liberty to explain this concept is one that we fully exercise. Grasp the bottle opener in your hand so that the sharp side of it sticks out of your clenched fist. Now punch someone who is attacking you very hard in the face, neck, shoulders, or groin area.
Condoms - Condoms are the most maligned item to bring because a lot of people regard them as being a purely sexual device. While they are good for those interviews that go too well, they have several other uses. For one, you can blow it up like a balloon for livening up those boring press conferences. Condom balloons would also be a big hit at the Hentai Fest that takes place during A-Kon. You can also carry water in them, use them as very temporary tire patches, money satchels, and conversation enders. Bringing out a flavored condom and chewing on it or playing with it in your hands will most certainly cause those annoying people who try to talk at you to depart forthwith. Another interesting use for condoms comes from getting a taxi to stop. Hold the condom between your index finger and thumb. Hold up your hand while holding the condom and you will discover that taxis have a slightly higher chance of stopping. Why they do this is a mystery to even the most enlightened of researchers. Condoms can be blown up and popped to scare away small animals. There are more uses for them if you just use a bit of instinct and intuition.
To the list again! These are the five essential items to bring.
- Towel
- Business Cards
- Pen
- Bottle Opener
- Condoms
Article by Philip Wesley
The DON'T PANIC series of articles are an homage to the late (and unfashionably dead) Douglas Adams.
Property of DMG Ice, dmgice.com, and the original author as expressed in the by-line.